As I walked into church after about a month of having a bad attitude I just put on a smile. I remember our pastor asked how things were going with the latest news. I felt at the time all I could do is just give him an answer that I felt that he wanted to hear. One thing that this taught me after I had done it is how so many people come to church and are silently broken inside afraid to show their weaknesses. That was where I was at. I didn’t want people to see that I was falling apart inside. I felt like I had to be strong. I couldn’t dare confess how I felt on the inside. Why, that would just look horrible....what would people think? How self-absorbed and prideful is that?! I didn’t dare tell someone that I was struggling with my attitude about things. But, the Lord can take our pride and cause us to become real in very unique ways. This particular evening happened to be our monthly communion night. We usually have a night of praise and worship, prayer, sharing a word of exhortation from the Word or anything that someone may feel that the Lord put on their hearts to share to edify those in attendance. We also share in Communion at the end. This has always been my favorite service because it is the one service when I sit by myself. My husband teaches the children on Wednesday nights so that always leaves me sitting by myself and usually I try to sit with someone on other nights but I sit by myself on purpose on these nights because it helps me to meditate on what the Lord is trying to say to me personally. I am then able to just sing my heart out to the Lord and pray. It is the one service that makes me feel like there is no one in the room with me but Jesus. When I worship on these nights I literally pray as I sing. In worshiping and thinking about the words that I am singing I begin to feel like it is just Jesus and me having a conversation. In these services I hear Him most clearly. Worship is the one thing that causes my heart to soften and my ears to be open to hear the Lord in all circumstances in my life. That is what happened this particular evening. I sat in my chair and tried to sing. I realized rather quickly that I couldn’t. I just sat there. I sat through worship, the message that our pastor had shared and through the things that others shared from the Word. I realized that I felt numb. I had no joy. I had sadness and my anger had taken all the joy out of worshiping. Something had come between me and my precious time with Jesus. I had become so consumed with my selfishness and anger that I couldn’t even hear from the Lord. I had lost joy in the Lord. At that moment I just began to cry. I realized that I needed to be real. I prayed but there were no words. I don’t really remember what I prayed because I was just so sad that I had come to this point. I just remember asking the Lord to give me back that joy. I just poured my heart out and asked the Lord to just take the whole situation and do with it whatever He wanted!!! Little did I know He already was. :) I asked Him to take my anger and give me joy. I realized how ungrateful I had been to the Lord for all that He had done. He had been so faithful to us. He had given us a beautiful miracle son, He provided for all of our needs but most importantly He bought me with His precious blood on the cross. I was His daughter and He loved me. His forgiveness is as far as the East is from the West and He loves to be merciful to me. As I surrendered this attitude to Jesus I felt like a HUGE waive just came over me and a HUGE enormous weight just came off of me. Anger is exhausting!!! I decided that night that I was going to take this new journey and glorify the Lord wherever He leads us. It was then that I received my joy back. I asked the Lord to show me all the blessings in this situation and to teach me how to be Brian's cheerleader instead of a wife that was hard to be around. I had looked in the mirror and the reflection didn’t look good. I wanted my reflection to be a reflection of Jesus. I wanted people to know that there was a difference in me....that I was not perfect....that I have struggles BUT that I trusted the Lord and that I was determined to praise Him and trust Him. Some may be asking why I have been so transparent in this blog. The answer is so that others can be encouraged to do the same. The biggest answer to all of the situations that life brings is JESUS!!! Without our focus on the Lord how can we see through the dark? He is our Light and when we focus on His Light and His Word all the clouds and the darkness clear up. It doesn’t mean that the trial is over.....BUT it does mean that He IS walking us through it! Beautiful things come out of brokenness. But the most beautiful thing for me is learning more and more about my Savior....my Abba Father Daddy. He is all that I need. He is all that you need! He is everything!!!! Do you know Him? Is He your everything?! I hope so.
My theme verse that has come out of all of this:
Isaiah 26:3
"You will keep him in PERFECT PEACE, whose mind is stayed on You, because he TRUSTS in YOU."
I am thankful for that peace.
If you want to know more about how to get that peace message me and I would be happy to share. :)
More to come on the second part of this journey and beyond soon.......
No comments:
Post a Comment