Speaking Truth In Times of Struggle

                                              
                       Today my heart is heavy and I am fighting back tears. David has been in Early Intervention Occupational and Speech therapy for the last year. We have been blessed with wonderful therapists that have tried their hardest to assist us in working with David and helping him improve developmentally. He has improved in many areas. Some are easy to see and some are hard to see. I was looking forward to his yearly review because to me that meant that I would be able to see all the changes that he has made in the past year....all of the victories and all of the improvements. Well, sometimes it is hard when you don’t hear what you prayed for. :(
                    The good news is that his receptive language is right on target at 24 months! Yay! I am very excited about that because he was around 6-9 months last year! That is quite the leap! :) His expressive language is at 12 months so we still have a long way to go with that but still saw improvement from a year ago. I am thankful. But then here comes the part that just makes my heart sink. In all other areas he was assessed at 9 months. I can’t get that number out of my brain. The boy is 2 years old and he is averaging around 9 months. The thing that makes my heart sink into tears is that he has declined in many areas since last year rather than improving. I am sitting here just broken and sad for my boy. I am fighting back lies that I know are not of the Lord. What have I done wrong? I have failed my boy. Fears are very real. Will he ever catch up? Will he ever eat normally? How will children treat him?  Will his teachers speak truths and be patient with him through his struggles?  Will he ever talk?! That on its own is my greatest struggle. I want him to speak. I don’t even know what his voice truly sounds like. My heart breaks when he gets visibly frustrated because I can’t understand what he wants. I don’t know his needs. I don’t know his wants. When he has tantrums out of frustration I just feel so helpless. When I see what we now know are most likely seizures it breaks my heart. To watch my son shake uncontrollably knowing what that feels like brings tears to my eyes. To not be able to fix that and take away those fears that he has in those moments is painful. As a mom who has epilepsy I know those fears and all I want to do is take them away. It is emotionally exhausting.
                              Someone asked me a week ago how I was doing with everything, if I was okay with the reality of his diagnosis and his struggles. My answer was that generally no. This is hard!!! This is a struggle. This is exhausting. BUT from a spiritual perspective I am truly okay because deep down in my heart I know that I am not alone. I know that the thoughts and guilt that I feel and the feelings of fear, condemnation and doubt are NOT from the Lord! Isaiah 43:2 says, "He will keep in PERFECT PEACE whose mind is stayed on YOU because he trusts in YOU"! I cling to that promise! I cling to that promise because if I don’t surrender all my thoughts, fears and feelings it will destroy me and all that I know to be true. That truth is that GOD IS FAITHFUL! I am not alone. Though I cannot see the road ahead and though the road ahead is scary and filled with so many unknowns I can know that His plan is far greater than all the fears that are deep within my heart. It is a battle that I am having to continue to choose to give to the Lord. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says, "For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ". I am choosing to take my thoughts captive and I am choosing to focus on the fact that the Lord has David in his hands.
                              This morning as I was getting David dressed to go to my friend's house I was reminded of a lady I know whose son has shared that through all his struggles that he had his mother would speak truths into his life every day. Through all his feelings of frustration because teachers were impatient with him, people were not kind and some did not believe that he would be successful in life his Mom always told him, "Son, Jesus has a huge plan for your life. God is going to use you"! Every night she told him that before bed without fail. Today that is exactly what the Lord is doing. So, as I thought about that I just started to tell David that. I said "David, Jesus has a huge plan for your life. He is going to use you in mighty ways. He loves you......He not only loves you but he likes you!" As I did that the most awesome thing happened! My son was soooo calm! He was listening so intently and just smiling at me. It made my heart smile. So, from now on without fail on a daily basis I will always tell David "Little man, Jesus has a huge plan for your life. He is going to use you in mighty ways. He loves you.....He not only loves you but he likes you!” In those moments I know that I not only will be speaking truth to my son but I believe that speaking those truths to him will also minister to my heart as well and remind me to focus on those truths.

Philippians 4:8

^"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are TRUE, whatsoever things are HONEST, whatsoever things are JUST, whatsoever things are PURE, whatsoever things are LOVELY, whatsoever things are of GOOD REPORT; if there be ANY virtue, and if there be ANY praise, think on THESE things."




                                  

GO DAVID!!!!!!!! :)

                                

                                 I am sooooo stinkin' overwhelmed with joy right now I cannot contain myself!!!! Why you ask????? My son just did something he has never done but I have been praying he would do. He ate a lima bean!!! He didn’t just taste, or smell it, or squash it! HE ATE THE ENTIRE bean!!!! He chewed it tasted and swallowed it WITHOUT gagging and with a smile on his face!!!!! He has NEVER EVER had a lima bean in his short life....not even when we started him on baby food. This is the first time he has EVER eaten a finger food successfully. As I type this he is walking around the living room with another lima bean in his hand and slowly eating it little by little. I don’t care how long it takes him. I say whatever it takes kid! Eat it whatever way you want!!!! LOL The other amazing thing is he ate it with all the garlic and pepper and butter on it! CRAZY! Actually I don’t think that that particular one had pepper but it did have garlic and butter. Brian said, "Of course he ate it! He must love garlic like his dad!" :) I am just rejoicing in this moment. Apparently my friend who watches him on Mondays and Fridays said he chewed a green bean today also. I am praising the Lord these victories. Many people overlook the tiny achievements that their children make but I take every single one and do my party dance!!! When he ate that lima bean it was all I could do to contain myself. I called his OT right away! We have been working for almost a year on his sensory feeding issues. With that one tiny bean we are finally seeing progress!!!!!! This moment makes it all worthwhile. I am soooo very excited! In my excitement I am also quick to realize that he may not do this again for a while but the fact that he actually put a finger food in his mouth is what I choose to concentrate on! I am so proud of my boy and I know he thought his mama had gone crazy with her excitement! I don't care! I will forever rejoice with him in all of his victories and I will forever be there for him in his struggles. I know that the Lord has a huge plan for his life and I am grateful for the Lord's reminder that He has his hand on David. I look forward to many more victories my little man experiences! I love my boy!!!!! Go DAVID!!!!! :)



Wisdom, Peace Through Changes

                                     For the last two years I have been so blessed to be able to be both a stay at home mom and work from home full time.  It has been CRAZY but I will take the crazy! It has been so worth it to be able to be there for David from the time he came home from the hospital until now.  I havent taken one day for granted!  It has been a honor.  But things are changing.  Life changes.  Plans change. David is in need of LOTS of social interaction...even more than he is getting now through the church nursery and the few days he goes to my friends house.  So through lots of prayer for what direction the Lord is wanting to take us we have found a wonderful private Christian pre-school that he will attend five mornings a week starting in September.  It is a wonderful school that was founded by a lady whose desire was to take children with special needs and have an inclusive classroom setting with children of all abilities.  When she started the school she wanted her special needs students to be able to continue to receive all the services that they were needing while attending pre-school.  In order to do that she needed to have the city public school system to agree to provide services to children attending this pre-school even though the school is private.  So for the past twenty years that is exactly what has happened and David will be receiving services while attending there.  This is a huge praise as all his services will be paid for.  And the Lord has provided the funding for us to be able to pay for his pre-school.  Because of this gift by someone close to us we will not have to worry about his schooling.  The Lord is so good and has once again reminded us that He is Jehovah Jireh our provider!  What a blessing! 
                                As I think about this transition my heart does get a little sad.  It is a scary thing to place your child in the hands of people that you pray will take good care of him and be patient with him through his struggles.  Even though there is the fleshly fear that all parents have I am grateful for the peace that the Lord has given both Brian and I that this is place that the Lord has for David.  I get so excited to think about the strides he may take in just being in an environment that will cater to his social needs.  I pray that the Lord will put His hand on David and teach him to speak.  He isnt saying words except for Mama, Dada and No.  I so long for him to be able to tell me what he needs.  It is a daily struggle to be able to understand what he needs and my heart breaks when I know he is having a meltdown out of frustration. Sometimes it is sooo hard to tell whether his meltdown is out of frustration or just being disobedient.  That is hard.  I pray every day that the Lord would show me.  O pray that I will know what to punish and what to work through with him....how to teach him to exress his frustration. I pray that the Lord would help him to learn how to speak while he attends this school.  I pray that He will help Brian and I to know how to teach him how to communicate.  I know that this will continue to be a long journey and I pray for continued strength and wisdom as we raise him.  What I do love is that he knows that we love him unconditionally and that he feels safe. He does express that.  :)  That brings me comfort even in his times of frustration.  I pray that the Lord would continue to give me His peace and wisdom as we continue to trust Him for guidance and direction....one day, one moment at a time.  He is faithful.

James 1:5

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."