Did I Do the Right Thing?!

                                                     As I continue with our story I feel it is important to share with you and remind you that the things and feelings that I share are based on my own thoughts, beliefs and feelings in our situation. Every child is different and every family situation is different. Every struggle is different. It is my desire to take you on this journey in the most transparent way only to allow others to learn from our journey. I am so very grateful for the support of my husband and please continue to read the blog because you never know when Brian will decide to write about his thoughts on his/our journey with Autism.......Hint Hint!!! :) I am very excited that he wants to join in on the fun!
                          As I held David for the first time I couldn’t believe that he was ours. I was usually the one visiting friends in the hospital who had babies and going to the many baby showers and birthday parties through the years. I was never the one who was the new mom. Now we were taking our son home for the very first time. I was both excited and fearful at the same time. David was a beautiful newborn baby. He was such an easy newborn. He slept no less than 3-4 hours at a time from the moment we brought him home at three days old. We never had to get up more than twice an evening. He was a very content baby. My favorite times of the day were when I would rock him in the rocker and feed him. To look into his deep blue eyes was magical and I would sing and pray over him. I didn’t enjoy getting up in the middle of the night but I did enjoy being able to spend those moments when Brian was in bed and it was just David and I. Sometimes I miss those moments. I loved his laugh. I loved when he would belly laugh in his sleep. I loved how he would grasp my finger and would not let go......he had quite the grip!  lol  I loved that he was not a small baby....he was not fragile and he fit perfectly in our arms. I just loved everything about him. Mostly, I just loved that he was ours to raise.
                                    When I was pregnant with David I had a huge struggle inside. I struggled with having fear that the medication that I had to take for my epilepsy was going to have a negative effect on David. Do I not take meds and risk having a seizure and possibly lose or hurt our child or do I take them to prevent the seizure and still have a chance of losing or hurting our child? It was a horrible struggle. I had peace that Jesus was taking care of us but it still hurt my heart to think I could be hindering our child. Sometimes I felt so conflicted and sometimes guilty......sometimes I still do.....more on that later. I was constantly questioning myself. Is David really going to be okay? Is he damaged in any way by what I had to do? Did I do the right thing? In the back of my mind I knew my fear was justified and I knew that Autism was a possibility in our future....even from the moment he was born. At that time it was a terrifying thought. For years I had some doctors tell me that if I had a child he would be damaged from the meds that I took. It was such a hard lie to overcome. I knew it ran in my family and I had read research on the meds that I had to take which discussed its effects on Autism. We used to watch those STUPID lawyer commercials on television that tell you to call a lawyer if your child was damaged in any way from a medication you had to take. Those commercials made me so angry....they still do. It was always a fear inside me. It was a thought that I had to continually give back to the Lord and sometimes still have to give back to the Lord. In those late night feedings I had to surrender those fears. I had many honest conversations with the Lord as I rocked our baby. The Lord continually reminded me that David was His and that He had a plan for him. He was not ours. We were not in charge of the plan. Jesus was in charge of the plan.  I believe the Lord used those moments and those fears to prepare me for this journey.