He HEARS! He SEES! He KNOWS!

                                    A few weeks back I had a conversation with a friend regarding trials and what the Word says about trials. We had just heard a message by our pastor at church that morning and I sat there as I listened to it and just began to cry. In the message he shared about all of the different trials that each of us face and the length of those trials. I just sat there thinking about the fact that the journey of Autism and parenting a child with special needs will be a never ending journey. I began to feel extremely overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I sat there thinking about this huge journey in front of me and the feeling that I was drowning. He began to speak about the fact that we may be in a trial that may never end. The Lord has us continually walking through these trials to show us Himself that He would be glorified. It is in those trials we see His faithfulness that we may become closer to Him and be used to comfort others with the testimony of what He has walked us through. We see His goodness. That is the cry of my heart. When the Word tells us that we should find joy in our trials it doesnt mean that we jump up and down and have a smile on our face. The joy that we find is in the fact that the Lord is sovereign in all things. His glory in the trial is what brings us joy. I pray that Jesus would be glorified in this journey. I do not see Autism as a trial. Special Needs parenting is not the trial. The trials on this journey will come and go in different ways but for now my current trial on this journey is grief. That is where Jesus has met me.
                             The Lord has been faithful in the last few months to lovingly bring these things out of me and bring me to my feet in crying out to Him realizing how very weak I am and in need of His strength. A few months back I was in my house singing..I sing all the time even when I dont realize I am doing it. I was singing a worship song going about my business and I then listened to the words I was singing over and over again. As I realized what I was singing I just broke down. I just began to weep and cry out within my gutt to the Lord and said "Lord, how could you think that I can handle this? Why would you pick me of all people to be a mama to a child with special needs? What were You thinking? What is Your plan in all this?" I then began to tell the Lord that I loved Him and felt ashamed at the very real anger I was experiencing. I said, "Jesus, I do trust You. I know You have a plan. I feel so sad and ashamed that I feel anger but I do. I dont want to disapoint You. I want You to be pleased with me. I feel grieved at my anger but I am struggling. I dont understand Lord. I need You so bad. I need to hear Your voice. I dont need to know the answers. But I do need to hear Your voice." Now, you need to know that this was the first time in a long time that I felt I could be that honest with the Lord. My mindset through my childhood was that I should never tell the Lord I was angry. So, instead I would just stuff it. Then as I stuffed it bitterness would begin to fester. I have come to realize that bearing your hurt to the Lord....even the gutt wrenching ugly truth....is exactly what He wants. To stuff it is bondage that the enemy desires for us to be in and to speak it is freedom. It was in that moment that the Lord lovingly said, "I know and I love you. It's ok. I am helping you. I know your heart is to please me. It is ok if you don't understand. It is ok that you feel these things. You are my child and you are not alone. I just want You to trust me. I just want You to lean on me. I want You to come to me." In that moment I felt such amazing love from the Lord and felt His mercy and grace. There was no condemnation just love from my Abba Father Daddy. I felt strength from Him.
                              There have been many moments since then that I have truly felt the Lord's peace even in the midst of the unknown. I have experienced his faithfulness in so many ways and have heard His voice clearly reminding me that He hears my cries and hears my needs. He knows all of my concerns and He knows all that David needs. In the last two weeks I have seen Him work in wonderful ways to show me He hears. We have had to stop David's therapy because his bill was adding up and we wanted to pay it off before we could send him back again. In the last few months this has been very hard because he has declined in his eating issues. My heart just ached. I was also struggling with the fact that my husband had missed so much time from work taking David to therapy because I dont drive for medical reasons. He has done this without complaining. However, I told him that this cannot be an option anymore....it is just too much for him. I have battled guilt that I could not do it myself and wanted to find a way to get David there. Plus, the fact that we realized we needed additional assistance finding waivers for special needs children to help cover the cost of therapies was a struggle too. I didnt know where to begin.
                                   It is truly amazing to watch the Lord work. Within 72 hours three things happened. I was told by his therapist that someone had called in anonymously and paid David's bill off!!! We are now able to start therapy again for him!!!! He will start in the next few weeks. It will be on a weekly basis. Then, I ate some humble pie and we were able to hire one of our college kids to take us to therapy once a week. She is VERY good with David and it will give her some extra money. That was hard for me to do as I am a person that likes to be independent. Then to top it all off I was given a number to a CEO of a local child development center and within 48 hours of that happening we were able to set up an appointment to have David evaluated for services at our house and David would be given a case worker through a grant. That person would walk us through the process of finding services to help us financially to help cover the cost of therapy. This is HUGE!!! All of these things are huge but I have to say I just broke down crying on the phone when I was told that the bill was paid. I give the Lord all the glory! He chose to use this person to remind me that He loves me! He loves David and He hears the cries of this Mamas heart.
                                   Don't lose heart on this journey! Keep trusting Him! He HEARS! He SEES! He KNOWS! He loves you and He loves your child even more than you love your child! He created them and longs to provide all that they need. TRUST HIM! Tell Him your fears, thoughts and feelings. He can take it! He longs to hear you cry to Him. He wants to hold you! He wants to say "I love you My child". Seek His face! Call on His name! He is waiting with open arms! Perhaps these lyrics will help you as well:

Lord I Need You

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here, I find my rest
Without You, I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

 

Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God how I need You

 

Where sin runs deep
Your grace is more
Where grace is found, is where You are
Where You are, Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes, where You are, Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

 

Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God how I need You

 

Teach my song
To rise to you
When temptation comes my way,
When I cannot stand
I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

 

Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God how I need You