It's NOT All Good BUT Jesus IS

      The last two weeks have been a blur. So many major things going on and lots of thinking about this journey. Lately I have been struggling. This is just honesty people. A few weeks ago we met with David's teachers just to get an update on how he has been doing this year. For the most part he has been doing wonderfully! We all agree though that the best thing for David right now is to repeat the 3 year old class again. I had already been thinking this was a good idea so that was no big deal. David is nowhere near ready for the 4 year old class. He is currently probably at 2 years old developmentally in most areas. Generally speaking that is okay. However, lately I have been so tired.
           I have been noticing how different David is. The older he gets the more his differences become clear. I am so proud of my son. He is truly the biggest blessing Brian and I have been able to receive. Sometimes though this journey is so tiring. I would not take back any part of David. Autism is part of who he is. I would not want to change who he is in any way. However, I would give so much for him to not have to struggle with all these delays. One of the things that I have not thought about lately and have been successful in ignoring is speech. I have begun to realize that I am still in the grieving process of wanting to be able to carry on a conversation with my son and not be able to. My heart has been hurting so much in regards to that and I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that and it seems like the waves are hitting me again. I refuse to let myself succumb to the waves but instead choose to acknowledge to myself and Jesus how much my heart is hurting.
        I cannot carry on a conversation with my son. Most moms can ask their kids about how their day was and it leads up to a long conversation with laughter and hugs and getting to know their child and all that they think and feel about things. They get to hear their children sing, say silly things, hear them say I love you and know when their child is in pain. David cannot tell me those things and I cannot ask him if his tummy hurts or if he has a headache. He cannot tell me what he wants most of the time for the important things. I just want to have a conversation with my son. I just want to know what is inside his mind, when he is hurting, what makes him happy. I want to hear him say no. I even want the blessing of hearing my child complain. I know many of you are saying I am soooooo lucky that I don’t have to hear no or hear complaints. But, I have to say I would give ANYTHING to hear David complain. I would give ANYTHING to hear him say no. I would give ANYTHING to hear him tell me he is sad or in pain. It hurts my heart that I don’t know these things and I cannot soothe whatever is bothering him because I can’t tell. I am his Mother. It is my job as his Mom to be able to provide that comfort and encouragement. It is difficult to let go of that and fight the feelings of false guilt. It is all part of this journey. My heart just aches!!!
          The scariest part of his speech delay is David cannot tell me or any other person his name. He knows and responds to it but if someone were to ask him his name he cannot tell them. I don’t think he comprehends how old he is. He cannot tell you his age. He doesn’t know that. If he does know he cannot tell you that. This truly is scary in case he ever were to wander off and get lost. He would not be able to communicate that. It is something that I never thought about until now and it gives me the chills. These things are a safety concern. I have been working on this over and over again with him lately. I have been asking him almost on a daily basis what his name is and telling him what his name is over and over again. The only thing I can do is continue to pray that the Lord would give him the ability to know and say his name and age. I just have to give it all to Jesus ad trust Him to do that and to keep David safe.
            Autism is truly stretching me in soooo many ways. It stretches my faith and forces me to keep seeking Jesus. It keeps my focus on the Lord. It teaches me to be real with the Lord and not be afraid to tell Him and bare all my feelings and lay them at His feet. The other day I said to a friend after sharing all that is going on I said "but it's all good". My friend immediately said "No. It's not. Don’t dismiss your feelings." It is easy for me to do that. "It’s all good" seems to be something that I say a lot. I found myself realizing that it was getting in the way of me being real with my feelings and being real with Jesus. Crying out to Him and asking Him to comfort me, give me strength, calm my fears, give me peace and helping me to see His purpose in all of this. I am choosing to say to the Lord that my heart hurts....it's not all good...I feel weary. I know in my heart that His main purpose for this journey is to use David and Autism to bring glory to Him in the journey...to glorify Him in being real, honest, trusting and giving praise to Him in each struggle. Choosing joy in the struggle. Choosing joy in knowing that Jesus is sovereign, He is good. He is faithful. He is all that I need. Knowing all these things makes it all good even when I don’t feel it.