Pray. Pray. Pray. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender.

                                          Being a special needs Mom can be full of uphill battles. You prepare for months for meetings and things that you try to get for your child that you believe in your heart that they need. You go to battle for your kid. You are their greatest advocate. You are their voice. You see opportunities for them that would help them grow and bring them to their fullest potential. You talk to your friends who have walked through this process and have been successful. You meet with doctors and caseworkers to prepare for the moment you have to fight for your kid. Each one is a part of your child's team because each one cares about their success as much as you do. You reach for things that you feel are so close to your grasp and yet you cant quite do it. It is as if someone is holding that thing right in front of you and you are reaching for it as far as you can and they keep walking away right when you think you have a hold of it. Then frustration sets in. It can be so exhausting. That is how it feels sometimes to walk this journey. It is an uphill journey full of ups and downs and roller coasters and you hang on for dear life.
                                            However, I have learned that nothing can be done apart from prayer and leaning on the Lord. Nothing can be done but to surrender. Pray. Pray. Pray. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. Those are the biggest and sometimes the hardest things to do. When your heart just wants to scream for someone to say that they agree with the needs of your child you don't because you know that JESUS is the ultimate provider. You see the need and you bring it to Him. He promises to provide. BUT, He does not always provide in the way that you see or pray for. One thing that I have learned as I have battled the last two years for David is that I am NOT in charge. Jesus is in charge. He knows all that David needs. He knows all that I need. He knows it all. He is the parade Master that sees all the details from the beginning to the end. All that He asks and requires me to do is to surrender and trust Him. It is His will that I pray for. It is for His glory that I surrender. It is for His glory that I trust Him. It is for His glory that I continue to walk this road seeking Him, leaning on Him and rejoicing in Him no matter the circumstances or outcome.
                                         We had a huge meeting for David where we applied for a waiver that would provide for all therapies that specialists and doctors have said that he needs. It would also provide for needs outside of therapy as well. The meeting was a bit discouraging and at this time my gut says we are not approved for it. However, we haven't yet received a solid no. We will know within the next few weeks. Although I know we will probably not receive it I trust that the Lord could still move while the departments review the application and interview. So, I continue to pray. I continue to trust. I continue to praise the Lord even when I acknowledge that the outcome may not be what we desired. He is sovereign and He knows what is best. My heart is determined to keep rejoicing and praising Him. In Him I find my joy in the midst of struggles and disappointments that sometimes arise. In my life I have had to learn the hard lessons of praying for things, holding on to them thinking that they were the best choices even when I saw the doors closing. In those times the Lord allowed for these things to happen in my selfishness and not seeking Him and trusting Him only for me to realize that He knew what was best. I was miserable in those situations and learned very quickly that His plans are far greater than mine. What we may think are the best plans may be disaster. Jesus tells us that His ways are way higher than our ways. We need to trust Him. We need to pray "Your will be done"!  We need to have our mind set on HIS will and seek it with an attitude of "whatever is glorifying to You Jesus is what I desire". Whatever is not let it not come to pass. So I sit here surrendering my desires for His. May He be glorified in all that He leads us to. I pray that you have that desire as well. Pray. Pray. Pray. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. Leave it at His throne and rejoice in Him knowing His ways are far greater!