Parade, Songfest, Superman and A Friend

                                          Today was David's first school program. I looked so forward to seeing him with his friends. I walked in so excited to watch him walk in his parade and watch him sing with all his classmates. I had not seen him interact with his classmates this year. I wondered what he would do and if he would do the motions to the songs that they were going to sing. I was so happy that I could attend. I wanted to be there for my son and felt so proud. All the kids were dressed up in their costumes for the costume parade and songfest. They were so cute and so proud coming in with smiles on their faces. All the parents and grandparents and other classes were watching this special presentation. It felt so great to be able to be a part of it. All the kids were lined up so cute with their costumes on. All of them were just so proud of themselves and smiling and waving to all of their parents and others that were there. Some of these children were soooo adorable. It was fun to see them so happy.
                                         I would like to share some thoughts about today that I struggled with as I sat and watched my son. Please know that there are some things that I know may be normal for kids but in light of other things they all run together to bring me to these feelings. As I watched my son come in and walk with his teacher he looked so cute. I was so proud. When he saw me he smiled and then just cried because he couldn’t come to me. I saw his teachers try to hold him up and pick him up from the floor a few times in the parade route to try to get him to walk with all the other kids. All he did was cry when I told him he needed to just keep going. My heart just sank. I know that this can be normal for kids his age. It just stunk that all the other kids were so happy and having fun and he was so sad. I spoke to one of his teachers afterward and she said that he was already upset because he didn’t like it when they put his costume on. He didn’t like how it felt. They almost didn’t put it on him. HOWEVER, a friend whose daughter is in his class and has special needs as well said that David was crying because he didn’t like how tight his costume was around his neck. When he started crying his sweet little girl put her hand upon his back and patted his arm as if to say, "its ok David", and then he smiled and was fine. She also apparently talks about her friend "Davy" from circle time. :) Her mom and I are so happy that our children have made friends. She does not speak much either but they bond in their own way and make it work. They communicate in their own way. She is precious and just a beautiful girl! I am thankful for this sweet friend. I am also so thankful that the Lord had her Mama tell me about what happened today.
                                                           As the children were continuing on the parade route and David walked near me again one of his teachers asked me if he should just sit with me. :( Now, some may be reading this and not understand but to special needs parents these moments can hit the heart. I understand that they had good intentions but for some reason it just really upset me. It hit me really hard. I think I was already seeing differences in David between the other kids....even if some were normal.....and it just hurt. He was just crying but not screaming and not having a complete meltdown and even though my Mama heart wanted to just grab him and hold him I didn’t. He needed to learn to be independent of Mama and participate with his class like all of his classmates. I immediately said no and told him sweetly to just keep walking. He needed to learn to do whatever the other kids do and participate with his whole class. It is hard to explain why it hurts but to a special needs parent those small things can make you feel like your child is not being treated like the other children. It makes you feel like he is too much to handle. Now, I know that his teachers do not feel that way. I know that they love David. I know that they enjoy David in their class and that he is doing well. He has wonderful teachers that I thank the Lord for. It is just those moments that are well intentioned that hit to the heart. I didn’t want people to treat him differently.
                                                          As the parade finished it was time for the kids to get up on stage and perform their songs. His teacher tried to calm him down and I knew that as soon as the music started he would be fine. And just as I thought he stopped as soon as he heard the piano and heard all of the kids sing. As I watched all the kids sing their little hearts out I looked at my boy and he was in another world. He was making quirky expressions with his eyes and just spaced. Yes, kids do look around and some don’t sing but this was just different. Apparently though when he is in class he will do the motions and try to sing so that made me happy. :) He looked so cute. I was happy to see him clap at the end when all of us clapped for them. LOL
                                                     After the songfest the children were sent to tables that had been decorated with Halloween and fall decorations with plates and snacks at each seat. They were decorated so beautifully by parents who came in to help. All the kids were so excited to go and sit and have a little party. When I looked to see where David's place was set I didn’t see anything on his plate. All of the kids had carrots, crackers and cheese on their plates and David had nothing. Again my heart was just sad but also I have to admit a little miffed. I had expressed to the teachers that I wanted him to always be offered the same food as the other kids even if he didn’t do anything with it. He needed to be at least presented it. And also, my Mama heart does not want him to not be able to participate with the other kids. He may not ever touch the food but he needs to have that choice especially because of his eating issues. When I saw that empty plate I was just "Ugh". They did have his snack and drink which I was grateful for but I just wanted his spot to look like everyone else.
                                                  To me this will always be a challenge and that is the harsh reality. He will always be different. He will always have challenges. I have known that. I know that through the years these things will continue to happen. In some ways things will be better and in other ways there will be even greater challenges. Quite frankly it just sucks! I hate that he will have these challenges. I hate that he is at a point where the differences are painfully obvious. No. He is not extremely different than the other kids but as I look at his challenges the severity is not the issue. Just the fact that these challenges are there is just tough. I want him to be able to eat like the other kids. That kills me sometimes. Although he has come far! My heart just aches for him to be able to participate and eat with the kids the same things they are eating. I want to watch and listen to him have conversations with his friends and sing his little heart off.
                                                  This is a rough road. This is a hard road. But one thing that I take in this journey is how much my son points me to the One who knows my heart....Jesus. David is my gift that keeps me close to my Savior. He draws me to the Lord in the midst of the challenges. When I look at David I see how much the Lord loves me when I think about how much I love David. When I think about how I would give anything for my son without thought. As I think about that I am in awe knowing that the love that the Lord has for me is so deep that I cannot understand it. I praise the Lord for the lessons that He is teaching me as I parent David. Oh how much the Lord is using my little boy at his sweet young age. Do I like this journey? No. Do I trust the Lord in it? Yes. Do I have to surrender and set my thoughts captive on Jesus and the truth of His Word daily? Yes. Do I struggle in doing that? Yes. BUT oh how much I am learning about the faithfulness of the Lord in the midst of this journey. He loves me. He loves David. He has a purpose for this journey and He has a huge purpose and plan for my son.

Here is a pic of my Superman:

    
                                   

Mama Bear

                                             David started another year of preschool.  It has been fun to see him with all his friends again and learning new things. He seems to be fitting right in and settling in to the new routine. He definitely comes home tired from all the excitement every day. It's been a fun few weeks. Except for one event. David is taking the bus to school for the first time this year. He takes a bus that is specifically for children with special needs. He is suddenly such a big boy and I have moments when I so want the sweet baby in my arms again. I miss those days. I thought for sure he was not going to want to get on the bus. Apparently, all the preparation that I gave him prior to school starting sunk in. I began telling him a few weeks before school started that he was going to take the bus all on his own without mom and dad to school every day. I would show him different pictures of buses and tried to read him stories and sang over and over again "Wheels on the Bus". So, he was definitely prepared. The first day of school when the bus came he just walked right on the bus and didn't even bother to say goodbye.  LOL  I was shocked but so happy! :)
                                        Later on that morning I received a call that said he had an accident in his pants on the bus. Ugh! I was bummed. But, then again these things happen so we move on. The next day he had a cough and I kept him home from school. The third day he took the bus and he had an accident again.  :(  I was so frustrated. David is not potty trained but wears pull-ups and is completely out of diapers. He seems to enjoy sitting on the potty so we have just gone with it and we got rid of the diapers and are trying to train him now. I am so over the diaper thing. Anyway, we had already scheduled a meeting with his teachers to just talk about David and his needs. We talked about the bus situation and came up with a solution to try. We decided to send him to bed earlier and get him up an extra hour to see if that would help him take care of business at home before he left for school.
                                       Then it happened. Mama bear had to appear. The next day when the bus came I told the driver and the aid that I was aware of the situation and that we were working on a solution. Then she said, "Yeah, cause if he is like that we can't transport him".  I was SHOCKED!!!! This is a bus for children with SPECIAL NEEDS!!! I didnt know what to say so I just said, "We will do our best". What in the world?! The other part that bothered me was that she said this in front of David. Children may not be able to speak but they hear every word you say!!!  Watch what you say....little ears hear and little hearts either feel loved or feel sad by what you say. My heart just sank and I have to admit I cried on the way back into the house. It just broke my heart that what I felt was her saying, "your child is too much for us to handle".  It hurt. Then I got mad.
                                          I am not a confrontational person at all but it is amazing how your children bring this out of you. After I came in and had a few moments to think and clear my head I called her supervisor. I explained to him what had taken place and he apologized and made it very clear that this was not her call and was not appropriate and that he would address it asap. I was also able to explain to him that I believed that it was due to him having to get used to a new thing. I really felt that he was having a reaction to anxiety he had from this new experience. This has happened earlier this summer when he went to a new pre school summer program. It took him the first week to get into the routine. He agreed and  he also went on to explain that there should not be a reason that David could not ride the bus. By the way, David has not had another accident on the bus whatsoever! :)  I was pretty proud of myself speaking up for David. That is what we are as parents. We are their voice! We are especially our child's voice when they are not able to speak. Watch your words. You may end up with a mama bear on your hands.  :)


                                     
                                        
                             

22 Words

                 Lately I have been noticing that David has become quite the chatterbox.  :)  As I reflect on where he was last year my heart smiles at how far he has come with his speech. He is still pretty significantly delayed in speech but he has worked hard and has come far. Last year I don't think he even said 5 words. He was only signing for the most part or gesturing. He had just started to wave but not consistently. He would look at books and engage but now he "reads" them with such great expression! He gets excited and lately I have noticed that he has started to "sing" songs with the characters when he watches Veggie Tales. He is starting to make animal sounds when prompted and can be so cute. He has a friend that also has ASD and some speech delay and when he gets together with him they just chatter away. We have no clue what they are saying but it is so cute and quite frankly WONDERFUL to watch them communicate and clearly understand each other.... It's like they have their own language. It makes my heart feel so good! I'm thankful for the friend he has made. (His mom is a beautiful friend who knows who I am talking about).  :)
                Tonight I am sitting here listing 22 words that David has said in the last month or so. Some have been consistent and some have not. The point is he has said them. Each word is precious. Each moment is precious. I praise The Lord that David has had wonderful speech therapists and special ed teachers to teach him and work with him. They have been wonderful! I hope if they are reading this they know how valuable they are and how thankful we are for all the hours and hard work they have put into helping David.

They are the biggest reason David has spoken the following 22 words and I celebrate each one:

Uh oh
There you go
Mama
Socks
Off
More
Please
Curious
Book
Open
Drink
Yeah
Moo
Baa
Shoes
Tickle
Truck
Bubbles
Hi
Bye
Ashes
Choo choo



Sent from my iPad

He HEARS! He SEES! He KNOWS!

                                    A few weeks back I had a conversation with a friend regarding trials and what the Word says about trials. We had just heard a message by our pastor at church that morning and I sat there as I listened to it and just began to cry. In the message he shared about all of the different trials that each of us face and the length of those trials. I just sat there thinking about the fact that the journey of Autism and parenting a child with special needs will be a never ending journey. I began to feel extremely overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I sat there thinking about this huge journey in front of me and the feeling that I was drowning. He began to speak about the fact that we may be in a trial that may never end. The Lord has us continually walking through these trials to show us Himself that He would be glorified. It is in those trials we see His faithfulness that we may become closer to Him and be used to comfort others with the testimony of what He has walked us through. We see His goodness. That is the cry of my heart. When the Word tells us that we should find joy in our trials it doesnt mean that we jump up and down and have a smile on our face. The joy that we find is in the fact that the Lord is sovereign in all things. His glory in the trial is what brings us joy. I pray that Jesus would be glorified in this journey. I do not see Autism as a trial. Special Needs parenting is not the trial. The trials on this journey will come and go in different ways but for now my current trial on this journey is grief. That is where Jesus has met me.
                             The Lord has been faithful in the last few months to lovingly bring these things out of me and bring me to my feet in crying out to Him realizing how very weak I am and in need of His strength. A few months back I was in my house singing..I sing all the time even when I dont realize I am doing it. I was singing a worship song going about my business and I then listened to the words I was singing over and over again. As I realized what I was singing I just broke down. I just began to weep and cry out within my gutt to the Lord and said "Lord, how could you think that I can handle this? Why would you pick me of all people to be a mama to a child with special needs? What were You thinking? What is Your plan in all this?" I then began to tell the Lord that I loved Him and felt ashamed at the very real anger I was experiencing. I said, "Jesus, I do trust You. I know You have a plan. I feel so sad and ashamed that I feel anger but I do. I dont want to disapoint You. I want You to be pleased with me. I feel grieved at my anger but I am struggling. I dont understand Lord. I need You so bad. I need to hear Your voice. I dont need to know the answers. But I do need to hear Your voice." Now, you need to know that this was the first time in a long time that I felt I could be that honest with the Lord. My mindset through my childhood was that I should never tell the Lord I was angry. So, instead I would just stuff it. Then as I stuffed it bitterness would begin to fester. I have come to realize that bearing your hurt to the Lord....even the gutt wrenching ugly truth....is exactly what He wants. To stuff it is bondage that the enemy desires for us to be in and to speak it is freedom. It was in that moment that the Lord lovingly said, "I know and I love you. It's ok. I am helping you. I know your heart is to please me. It is ok if you don't understand. It is ok that you feel these things. You are my child and you are not alone. I just want You to trust me. I just want You to lean on me. I want You to come to me." In that moment I felt such amazing love from the Lord and felt His mercy and grace. There was no condemnation just love from my Abba Father Daddy. I felt strength from Him.
                              There have been many moments since then that I have truly felt the Lord's peace even in the midst of the unknown. I have experienced his faithfulness in so many ways and have heard His voice clearly reminding me that He hears my cries and hears my needs. He knows all of my concerns and He knows all that David needs. In the last two weeks I have seen Him work in wonderful ways to show me He hears. We have had to stop David's therapy because his bill was adding up and we wanted to pay it off before we could send him back again. In the last few months this has been very hard because he has declined in his eating issues. My heart just ached. I was also struggling with the fact that my husband had missed so much time from work taking David to therapy because I dont drive for medical reasons. He has done this without complaining. However, I told him that this cannot be an option anymore....it is just too much for him. I have battled guilt that I could not do it myself and wanted to find a way to get David there. Plus, the fact that we realized we needed additional assistance finding waivers for special needs children to help cover the cost of therapies was a struggle too. I didnt know where to begin.
                                   It is truly amazing to watch the Lord work. Within 72 hours three things happened. I was told by his therapist that someone had called in anonymously and paid David's bill off!!! We are now able to start therapy again for him!!!! He will start in the next few weeks. It will be on a weekly basis. Then, I ate some humble pie and we were able to hire one of our college kids to take us to therapy once a week. She is VERY good with David and it will give her some extra money. That was hard for me to do as I am a person that likes to be independent. Then to top it all off I was given a number to a CEO of a local child development center and within 48 hours of that happening we were able to set up an appointment to have David evaluated for services at our house and David would be given a case worker through a grant. That person would walk us through the process of finding services to help us financially to help cover the cost of therapy. This is HUGE!!! All of these things are huge but I have to say I just broke down crying on the phone when I was told that the bill was paid. I give the Lord all the glory! He chose to use this person to remind me that He loves me! He loves David and He hears the cries of this Mamas heart.
                                   Don't lose heart on this journey! Keep trusting Him! He HEARS! He SEES! He KNOWS! He loves you and He loves your child even more than you love your child! He created them and longs to provide all that they need. TRUST HIM! Tell Him your fears, thoughts and feelings. He can take it! He longs to hear you cry to Him. He wants to hold you! He wants to say "I love you My child". Seek His face! Call on His name! He is waiting with open arms! Perhaps these lyrics will help you as well:

Lord I Need You

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here, I find my rest
Without You, I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

 

Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God how I need You

 

Where sin runs deep
Your grace is more
Where grace is found, is where You are
Where You are, Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes, where You are, Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

 

Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God how I need You

 

Teach my song
To rise to you
When temptation comes my way,
When I cannot stand
I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

 

Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God how I need You

                                                                      
                    

Unconditional Love

                     Today is Fathers Day and I find it fitting to write about the most important man in my life. The most amazing Dad to our precious son. So, I dedicate this to Brian....the love of my life....who also happens to have something in common with David...he too is on the spectrum. I don't write a lot about Brian but I wanted to share how much he has taught me as I learn on in this journey of being David's Mom. Brian teaches me every day as I observe his love for David.
                       Brian is always the one to remind me when I get discouraged that David is blessed to have us as his parents. He reminds me that in all the ways we know that we are fighting for him and are his greatest cheerleaders. He is quick to point out the fact that we have provided him the best education with teachers and therapists who love him and are quick to point out and celebrate his accomplishments.
                      One of my most favorite things about him is how much he makes each day fun. I don't think a day goes by when he doesn't spend time acting silly with David. He sings crazy songs that he makes up and tells him how much he loves him several times a day. He blasts the Beatles in the car and David belly laughs as the music plays. He especially loves to play "This little piggy" with his feet  making David belly laugh un controllably. He LOVES to spend time with him and doesn't mind having to take time away from what he is doing to read to him when David asks. I love to watch him play outside with him and work in the garden teaching him and letting David "help" him. When I watch this my heart melts and makes me love Brian more and more each day.
                     I love that Brian sees the best in David. He takes his struggles and chooses to see the strengths in him. He is teaching me through his example to celebrate the little things that we all take for granted. This is a daily lesson I learn and he is ever so patient with me and is starting to understand that I fight off the worries of this Mamas heart. Brian sees David through the eyes of one who struggled all his life with Aspergers but just never knew he had it. Because of this he sees David just as he is. He sees his full potential. I thank The Lord for this because that helps me to see that as well. He loves him with unconditional love that is the most beautiful example of how much Jesus loves David.
                 David has a most wonderful Godly, loving example of what it means to be a man who loves The Lord with all his heart. He has a servants heart and seeks to teach David to have the same. He spends time praying with him and is teaching him at this early age to rely on The Lord. He is the first to apologize to his son when he feels it is called for and through that is teaching him humility and forgiveness. He holds him when he is sad and scared and shows him that he is safe and protected. He brings comfort to him and wipes his tears away. I am so thankful to be married to this man of God.

Thank you Brian for the many ways you show love to our son but most importantly the way you show him the love of Jesus and what it means to be a man after Gods own heart.

I love you!





                     

Oh What A Wonderful Morning!

                                      This morning was absolutely wonderful!  We took David to see his developmental specialist for a check up. I had forgotten what he was like the first time we took him to see her on the day of his diagnosis. That day was so hard because he just cried and cried and cried the whole time. He was real spacey. He was not able to follow directions. His receptive language was still a struggle but that was at least much better than his expressive language. He was not able to point at pictures. It seemed like he had no clue what was on the page. He was not able to complete simple puzzles that should have been pretty easy. He seemed to not understand commands. His eye contact was not the best. He would make contact but we were not able to get his attention. He was acting like he may have had some hearing issues even though we knew he didn't. He was not making any type of verbal communication.....just babbling. He could not clap or mimic any songs or hand motions at all. He had no concept of what we were doing when we tried to sing simple songs like "Patty-Cake" and use motions. He would just stare. It was like he knew he was supposed to do something but couldn't figure it out. He had no words that he was saying. He wasn't at all interested in the toys that the OT was trying to get him to play with. He still did not really know how to play with toys at all. He could not stack blocks. As I think about all these things that I had forgotten about it makes me so encouraged to know that in many of these areas he has improved leaps and bounds!  I need this soooo bad.
                       Sometimes even when you know your child has improved it is hard to see just how much improvement he has made. When the struggle goes on day after day it is easy to just see what is in front of you but hard to see just how far he has come. It is so easy to get discouraged when the improvement seems to be moving like a snail or when there is a digression of skill in an area. However, when there is an opportunity to be reminded of how far your child has come it is like a breath of fresh air! What a blessing to just be reminded!
                      David was so happy this morning with no tears at all (except when his ears were checked and head size measured ) and he just walked in the doctors office as if he owned the place.  LOL  He sat right on the play mat and began playing with the blocks and toys and puzzles. He even snuck around the OT and dug into her bag and found a car that she had and began playing with it. He said a few words that he has just started saying at school and home: "ashes", "done", "uh-oh". I have been working on getting him to mimic animal sounds and I think I heard him mimic the "moo" sound when he saw a cow in the book he was shown. He pointed to his eyes and nose when asked where they were. That has been something that they have been really working on at school. He seemed to be "reading" the book that he was given. He was sooo happy. His doctor just kept saying how much she saw huge improvement since the last visit and she was so happy. I love her. We kept praising his pre school and she was quick to remind us that it was also due to all that we have been doing for him. It was just so encouraging to be reminded of what great parents we are to David. I was able to ask her at the end of the appointment where she thought at this point David would be on the spectrum and she said he was VERY high functioning. Now, I know that some of you who know David will not be surprised by that. Neither are we!!! However, when his doctor confirmed it to us it was just so comforting and encouraging to both Brian and me. I needed to hear those words. I needed to hear how far he has come. I needed to be reminded that all the therapy and things that we have done in the last few years has paid off. We needed to be reminded that we have placed him in the perfect pre-school program for David. I also needed to be reminded that the major feeding/sensory issues are the last things that improve over time. I needed to hear that because that has been such a huge struggle and sometimes I feel as if David will never eat normal foods. But I was reminded that one day he will----even if it doesn't seem like it....he will. All I can do is do my best and that what I was doing was wonderful! I was just so thankful!!!     
                            THEN to top it all off when we dropped him off at pre school I had such an encouraging conversation with his special ed teacher. In the last few months the plan has been for David to go to another school two days a week for specialized speech therapy. Then the other three days he would go to his current pre school in the inclusive environment. The plan was also to keep David back in the 2 year old class and not move him up to the 3s next year. Well, his IEP meeting will be next Thursday so nothing has been confirmed in writing but his special ed teacher says they are looking to change plans. They are considering keeping him full time at his current pre school and possibly not holding him back but move him up to the next age group. This is mostly due to the improvements in speech within these last few months. He is still significantly delayed in speech however since he has shown such great improvement and they are very encouraged that he will continue to do so!!!! As I said nothing has been put in writing or officially decided and either way we are content but it is just wonderful that they are at least considering these options.
                          Thank You Jesus for all you are doing in our little man's life. We are so grateful for all the improvements big and small that he has made. I pray that in those moments where I want to pull my hair out in discouragement and frustration that the Lord will remind me of this day. May those who are walking this journey and reading this blog be also encouraged to remember those moments when our children make improvements whether they be big or small.  :)

                   

Sensory Meltdowns Vs Tantrums

                                                      Meltdowns are hard. I am not talking about meltdowns in the sense of what we all think are temper tantrums. I am talking about the meltdown of a child with Autism or any other disorder that has an effect on sensory issues. Tantrums are so easy to punish. For us time out gets the greatest response of future obedience and understanding that there is a reason for the time out. Meltdowns clearly do not have any sense of understanding. When my child has what I call an Autism meltdown (my way of drawing a distinction between the two----meltdowns vs temper tantrums) it is like he is in another world.  I see the frustration and the physical reaction to what is going on inside his mind in response to sensory overload. There is a look of total fear and anxiety. Sometimes it looks like he is trapped and he doesnt know how to get out of the environment or away from the noises that are happening around him.
                                                       For the past year I have been kind of dreading this new part of the journey we are on. David has for the most part been okay with change. Sure he has his temper tantrums as any 3 year old child (3 years old in 3 weeks  :) ). They are frustrating for any parent. That is just the life of a parent with a child his age. However, the past few weeks have brought a different response to change from David. The first time he had a major meltdown was a few weeks ago.
                                                    David's daily routine for the past year has been going to pre-school in the morning, coming home and eating lunch, taking a nap from 2:00-5:00 and then eating dinner when he wakes up. He walks directly to the kitchen and looks for his dinner and sits in his chair. If  dinner isnt ready but I tell him I am fixing it he is ok with that as long as he knows that it is dinner time. Well, this one particular afternoon when he woke up from his nap I was in the middle of trying to get something done so I thought I would give him a few moments on the ipad that he absolutely loves and normally makes him sooo happy. However, as soon as I changed the routine even for something that he loves he immediately melted down like I had never seen before. At first I didnt know what to think but about a minute into it I knew exactly what I was witnessing. I could see the physical change in him. Nothing could calm him down....not even putting him in his seat to eat. His little body shook and he just couldnt catch his breath between sobs. He began to run back and forth and slam his body into the walls and hitting them pretty hard. He was just out of control and I knew that this was not normal. When I tried to calm him down it made it worse.  I couldnt figure out what was wrong. My heart just sank and I just wanted to cry. I just felt helpless. So, I managed to get him to his room and he fell on the floor and just kept kicking and sobbing. Finally, I just let him be. He had such a look of fear. I began to just stroke him calmly and let him cry and kick and just sang to him and I prayed over him. He slowly began to calm. By this time the meltdown was probably 15 minutes long. It seemed like forever. He finally calmed down enough for me to take him into the kitchen and start to give him dinner.  He cried and cried for another 5-10 minutes and I continued to sing whatever song came to my mind and then finally he was calm and began to eat. For the rest of the night he was perfectly fine. It all happened due to the slight change in routine.
                                                   One thing I have learned through my relationships with other moms who have children with Autism that it can be very difficult when these situations start happening in public. He had 2 meltdowns yesterday at school for the first time. This was what I had feared would start happening and now the time has come. His teachers were shocked because they had never seen him display that type of behavior before. I was able to have a conference with his principal and I am grateful that I was able to explain to her this new challenge both David and we are having. He has started to display this behavior in different places that we go depending on what is going on around him. For parents of children who do not have special needs but have tantrums in public it can be hard. BUT for those parents who do have a child with Autism or any other sensory issue and they have a meltdown in public it is really difficult especially when it escalates. Many people think "cant that parent control their child", "cant believe they are just letting him sceam and kick on the floor like that", "the kid is so disobedient...if I were their parent..". Before I became a parent of a child with special needs I unfortunately thought those things. I am ashamed to say it. Now that I am on the other side of it and I see a family who has a child who is acting up I just pray. I pray for that family. I pray for that parent. I pray for that child. I pray because what may seem like a clear example of being bratty in public may just be a child struggling with trying to be able to handle all that is going on around them....the lights, the noise, the atmosphere....whatever causes them discomfort and fear can lead to a sensory meltdown. As a special needs mom my cry is to educate others on how to be an encouragement to those parents whose children have challenges. You never know how much your response will lift a heavy load when others are not so understanding.

Your Mercies in Disguise

                                        "What if Your blessings come through rain drops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You (Jesus) are near? What if my greatest disappointment or the aching of this life is a revealing of a greater thirst this world cant satisfy? What if trials of this life...the rain, the storms, the hardest nights are Your mercies in disguise?" These are lyrics from a song called Blessings written by singer/songwriter Laura Story. To me they are more than lyrics right now. They are the deep questions that I have in my heart when it comes to being a mom to a child with Autism....or even just having a child with special needs. Sometimes, to be honest, it is hard to see those blessings. In the midst of the fog and the frustrations it is hard to see clearly that each struggle the Lord is working out for His glory....to perfect me to be more like Him.
                                            To be honest lately I have had so much going on in my heart and much of that I have been afraid to share in this post for fear of being vulnerable. However, as I have prayed in the last few weeks and have seen the things that the Lord has revealed to me I am taking the chance. Lately life has been sooo crazy! The last 6 months have been so busy. I have found myself way too busy to even reflect on what is going on inside my heart. It is like I have put that part of me on hold and held it all in to just get through the chaos.  And now that the chaos and stress is over it is all pouring out like a river. And it hurts.
                                                   Lately as I have prayed and been able to breathe I have come to realize that I have battled some very real anger. I have found myself tempted to be angry when I see a friend's child be able to eat just like any other kid or hear them call them "Mom". When I have to explain to someone why David wont eat anything other than processed food.  Most of the time people are very understanding but there are times when I have to show grace. My heart aches when I realize that this is going to be a permanent journey. I feel weak and sad and overwhelmed with all of the challenges that are going on and that we will continue to face. When I meet with David's teachers and we realize that he has to stay back in the same class next year because he is so far behind I know that it is the best thing for him yet I am so tempted to have such great fear about the future and what it will look like. But most of all right now my heart aches to hear my son say "Mommy". I think lately that has been the one thing that I have stuffed so deep down protecting myself from the hurt that it is now bursting and I don't know what to do with it. There is a very real jealousy that I battle when I see a little boy run up to his mom and say "Mommy". So I just surrender. I just say, "Jesus, please take this. Please bring comfort and peace. Please take my heart and remind me that You are in the midst of it. You do work it all to Your glory. You are blessing me in this trial. You are shaping me into Your image. You are teaching me to trust You. You are teaching me grace. You are teaching me more about Your faithfulness. You are teaching me to be real. You are teaching me to be transparent. You are teaching me to show love. You are teaching me that it is okay to grieve for what I thought would be reality. You are teaching me to choose joy even when the feelings are not there.  You are teaching me to choose to accept reality.  You are teaching me truth. You are teaching me to take my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ...to not allow the enemy to speak words of condemnation or blame. You are showing me my very real weaknesses and areas that I need to surrender to You. You are chastening me with Your love and Your Word. You are showing me how much You love me as I am a Mom to David. You are teaching me that You are sufficient and all that I need. You are so patient."
                                      So, as I close this out I look back and see these things that I pour out to the Lord...these truths that I proclaim and that is where I see the blessings in this journey.  Don't get me wrong...this is a daily battle...a daily war against the flesh.  Grief is a very difficult journey...whether it is a death of a loved one or simply a death of what you thought would be a reality. However, it can bring blessings even in the darkest of days. So, that is what the Lord is carrying me through. For me it really is a revealing of a greater thirst that this world can't satisfy. As I continue to walk this journey may the Lord continue to remind me to take a hold of Him and to take my thoughts captive and see His blessings in the midst of the journey.

Romans 8:28
"And we know that all things work for the good of those who are in Christ Jesus..who have been called according to His purpose."

May that promise sink deep into my heart as I continue to surrender it all to Him.

A Better Wife and Mom

                                                         One year ago, January 2, 2014, the roller coaster started. As I have thought about the last year and the journey that we have been on I look in wander at all the lessons, blessings, struggles and joy that the Lord has walked with us through. As you have read, if you have been following my blog this last year, it seems like it has been an updown journey. It cerainly has like in all the seasons of life....the winter, spring, summer and fall seasons of life as we walk through it.  This last year has cerainly produced those seasons when it comes to Autism and what it has meant to me.  As I have read through the postings of the past year and have reflected on those moments I have many thoughts that I'd like to share with you.  It has been awhile since I have been able to share....life has been nuts! I have been hungering to do so as I have received so much encouragement from many who have been reading it. I have decided to break these up into seperate blog posts in order to get back into the pattern of ministering to fellow parents of children with special needs at the start of this new year. This is just a tool that the Lord is using to minister to those who are walking this same journey.
                                                First, I think it only appropriate to share how blessed I am to be married to a man who happens to be on the Autism Spectrum.  He has taught me so many things in the last year.  He has been patient, loving, understanding and has helped me understand the blessings. As I watch him be a Daddy to David with a patience that I honestly dont have sometimes....as all moms struggle with....it just amazes me. Brian and David have a special bond that no other person will ever be able to understand....not just because they are father and son.  Brian has an ability to relate to our crazy 2 1/2 year old in a way that I will never be able to.  Does that make me frustrated sometimes in the midst of tantrums? YES! It's not just parenting style.  I literally see that David is a cookie cutter of his Daddy. They are sooooo very much a like. I love that!  Because of that Brian makes me a better parent.  The Lord is using my husband to teach me to be able to relate....to learn how to communicate with David although he is still non verbal.  Brian just has this gift of being able to understand him. I am also grateful for his understanding of my frustrations.  At the beginning of this journey it was extremely difficult. I was processing reality and it was always Brian's reality so it took some time to be able to understand that. But the Lord has been faithful. He has walked with us and we have become one in the journey. Brian has taught me to look for abilities and success in the little things. He makes me smile when he gets so goofy with David and dances around praising him for the things he succeeds at. He makes up his own lyrics to songs and is just silly with him. We have fun! Autism is a struggle. I struggle knowing that David will always struggle BUT Autism brings so many blessings and lessons with it.
                                  My husband is a huge blessing. I think about the fact that the Lord knew way before I even met Brian that he was to be the man I would marry. He knew that He would not give us a child for 11 years.  He knew that David was going to be created perfectly in His image but in that perfection happen to have Autism.  He knew that I would be married to a husband and have a child who both are on the Autism Spectrum.  He was never ever surprised.  He planned it. He knew that this would be the journey that He would take me on. Is it hard? Yes. Do I sometimes struggle and not understand? Yes. Would I change it? No. Why? Because Jesus has called me to the journey and He is blessing me in it.....in the good, the bad and the ugly. He is blessing me in it.  I am a better wife and a better mom because of it. I have grown leaps and bounds in my walk with the Lord in the past year. Why would I want to change that?  I definitely could not be the Mom I am without the husband I have! It gives me a heart to pray for and appreciate all the parents out there that are single and raising a child/children with all different kinds of special needs.  For those who are walking this journey as a single parent and may be reading this please know that you are being prayed for and Jesus knows every need you have and will continue to walk with you. You are NOT alone in the journey!
                               In this coming year I will continue to pour my heart out and be transparent because through it I know that there is encouragement for others.  The Lord uses each moment, each tear, each feeling of frustration, joy, sadness to minister to others. I pray that as I continue on this journey that the Lord will speak to you and lift you in your times of grief, sadness in a situation and through it give you joy and peace to take one day and sometimes one moment at a time.  God bless you as you learn to seek and trust Him this coming year! 

Isaiah 26:3  "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You".