Running Around in Circles

                                                I havent posted in a while mostly because I have been soooo busy with life. Life has been crazy but I have still been thinking about so many things in regards to David. I thought I was doing better than I am in dealing with his diagnosis. School has been going well and it has been hard to see the reality outside of his eating issues.  I dont see him at school with my own eyes. I havent been able to see him with other children to know how he interacts with them on a daily basis.  His teachers havent really been reporting anything in particular so I think I have just kind of gone into this mode of not seeing reality.  In a sense that has been kind of nice. When he had therapy at home three days a week I saw so many other things....so many differences and things that David needed to work on. At times it was very overwhelming. Since he has been in pre school I havent had that daily reminder. However, lately the reality has started to appear and the process of grieving what I thought reality would be for my child has reared its ugly head again.
                                               Today my husband came home from picking David up from pre school very discouraged. When he entered David's classroom all of the children were in a circle sitting quietly listening to a story except for David. He was running around over and over again in circles playing with a key oblivious to what was going on around him.  When he called his name to come to him he just kept running in circles as if nothing was happening but what was in his world.  We know he isnt deaf for those who are reading this and are tempted to ask whether he has had his hearing checked. At home he will respond to us whether he is facing us or not. My heart just sank. I have known and do know that there will be many times that this will happen. I have dreaded the first time that it would be clear to us he does not have the social skills for a child his age. He doesnt interact with the kids age appropriately. This makes me very sad.
                                                  I want him to make friends.  I want him to be able to participate in reading time. I want him to be able to communicate. I dont want him to be different.  There. I said it. I dont want him to be different. I was that kid that was different to my peers and it was hard. I dont want David to not be able to make friends because they dont understand him. I dont want him to go through the same horrible school experiences that I did. Some may ask or say, "Jennifer, he is only 2 1/2.  Dont worry about this now! Why are you getting all upset about something that may not happen?" To that I say I always will. It is what it is. I am his Mom. It is a very real possibility and a reality that I must face. It is very hard to face and in these moments of observation. So many children with Autism regardless of the spectrum are not understood by their peers or even adults for that matter and it can be very lonely and frustrating. I pray the opposite for my son.
                                                     I praise the Lord for my husband who is on the Aspbergers part of the spectrum who, even in his discouragement, is so very encouraging to me. He and David will always have a special bond. He can relate to David in ways that I will never be able to understand. Sometimes that is hard but I wouldnt trade that blessing for anything. He can get David to do things that I am not able to get him to do because he understands him. He is patient. He is loving. He has tough love. He is in love with his little boy and therefore that makes me love him even more. I see them together and it is a beautiful picture. So, when I do have these moments when my heart sinks I am comforted in knowing that I am not alone and I have the best partner to walk this journey with. Thank you for reading and letting me share honestly with you. If anyone is struggling with the same journey please know I pray for you every day. Just keep looking to Jesus. He knows all that we need and He has our children in the palm of His hand......after all they really belong to Him.

Mom and Dad Were Chopped Liver :)

                                                     Three weeks ago David started a new adventure....pre school!  He LOVES it!  We found a wonderful private Christian pre school for him to attend and he just absolutely loves it!  He has 12 kids in his class and two teachers that are wonderful.  It has been so fun to see him come home with his projects that he made in school.  Our fridge has been filled with wonderful decorative creations.  :)  It has also been so great for me as well.  Working from home becomes quite challenging with a two year old and I have longed to send him to pre school so that he could make new friends and learn fun and exciting things.  So, having the mornings to myself and knowing that David is having so much fun is a huge weight off of my shoulders and just gives me peace.  I am so grateful for the Lord's provision in being able to send him to such a wonderful pre school.
                                                     On the first day of school we thought he would be so upset and just cry and cry when we left.  Well, we were proven wrong. He just ran into the classroom and never looked back to say goodbye.  Brian and I just laughed.  It was hilarious to us.  Then when we picked him up from school he just cried and cried when we got in the car to leave.  Apparently Mom and Dad were chopped liver.  LOL  We were so happy though that he loved his new school.  Thankfully he still cries every once in awhile to make us feel loved.  :) 
                                                     There have been many exciting things that David has improved on since he started pre school. He has started to try to communicate in different ways.  He has added two new words.  He says, "uh-oh" constantly and the other day when I asked what he wanted instead of falling on the floor and having a tantrum out of frustration he pointed to his sippy cup and said "si-cup".  We were sooo excited!  :)  He had never been able to ask for a drink on his own before.  It was always such a battle for him to be able to communicate.  We have been working on sign language for awhile and it has not helped his speech.  He just gets frustrated.  So, to be able to not only understand what he wanted but to see him actually ask for something it was such a blessing.  Even though he is still not saying "mom" or "dad" it gives me hope that he will do that soon.  Each step is a victory and each small victory I just take in and rejoice.  Dont take the little things for granted!!!!  Take them and praise the Lord for those things.  It is so easy to not notice the little things but they are huge blessings.
                                                 Although there are many obstacles to go through it is a blessing to know that the Lord has David in his hands.  He has a huge plan for his life and He will use David's life for His glory.  He is already a tool to draw me closer to the Lord and is a testimony of God's faithfulness and blessing on our lives.  May we continue to surrender David into the Lord's hands....David belongs to the Lord and we have just been given the honor to raise him to walk with Jesus.  What an adventure that will be!  :)
                                                   

They Dont See.....

                                  Anyone who has to fight the system for their children will understand that the process is exhausting!!!  It is the most frustrating thing to try to fight to get your child's needs met and have those needs not be acknowledged.  It is heart wrenching and makes you feel like screaming for anyone to listen!  You feel ignored and worse yet you feel as if your child is being ignored. You feel like a failure when you aren't able to get for your child all that you know he so desperately needs....that somehow you didn't fight hard enough. There is a huge battle that you face every day.  It feels like you are drowning at times and cant catch your breath from the waves that are overpowering you.
                             This is how I feel. I know that may sound weak but it is the truth.  My heart just aches for someone to see all that is needed. They see my son's face and all they see is his smile but they don't see his true struggles.  They don't see his tantrums because he is so frustrated that he cannot communicate what he wants. They don't see his developmental age of 6 months when it comes to feeding.  They don't see that he does not know how to chew and that he gags on puffs. I have been told that his feeding issues as well as his inability to chew are not what they deem as a medical issue. They don't see him cry and scream when he is just shown a new food much less try to be fed it.  They don't see the times when he has thrown his food on the floor out of shear frustration. They don't see that it costs us $300 a month just for David's foods that he will eat. They don't see that the only thing that David will eat right now is pudding, yogurt with Gerber cereal, his Go-Go packs and maybe on a good day processed green beans. They don't see that I cannot cook a meal for us as a family.  I cannot cook a pasta meal and have my son eat some with us. I can't give him a piece of cake or icing without him crying or gagging. I cannot give him a piece of a banana or fruit. I cannot make eggs or even oatmeal for him. I cannot give him pieces of veggies even cut up small. I cannot give him a cracker or chip that he will eat or not choke on. They don't see that he will not put anything in his mouth but processed food. They don't see the times where he almost choked from not knowing how to chew his food. They do not see that if I were to make spaghetti or some other meal and I processed that food he would not eat it.  He would sit there and cry. Believe me I have tried it all!
                                    My heart just aches and I am so tired. I wish I was so much stronger.  I battle the thoughts of the enemy that tell me that I am failing my child because of the denials.  I know that to not be true.  I know that even though there are times when I feel that way deep down I know that I am an amazing mom.  I am David's voice.  I am his biggest cheerleader.  I am his advocate.  I will continue to be until Jesus calls me home!  I am proud to be his mom!  Even though it is a battle that will be life long I would not change David one bit.  He is created in the image of Christ to be exactly who is to be. I look at him and see a tool that the Lord is using to draw people closer to Christ.  I see how much I am loved by the Lord as I learn to trust Him in this journey.  I look at my son and see this precious gift that God has given to me and Brian.....this miracle child that will do great things.
                                   There is a song that has become my theme song lately called Oceans.  It keeps ringing through my head over and over again and many times this week I have woken up singing it. It is where I want to be. It is my prayer that I continually pray.....that I may learn to trust the Lord without borders.  That I may choose to trust even when I feel the waves overpowering me.  That I might be able to look at this journey as a lesson in learning to trust the Lord in the midst of the unknown and then be able to look at this journey as a blessing.  My son is a blessing!  Because I know these truths I find that Autism is a blessing even when it is hard to see. May it continue to teach me to trust Him without borders that my faith may be made stronger as I look to Jesus.

   Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

  You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

 

 





   
                                            

Special Surprise From The Lord

                                                 As I wrote in my previous blog post there were many ways that the Lord has used situations to teach me what it means to rest in Him in the midst of the chaos.  In those situations he provided many opportunities to teach me that very important lesson that I will continue to learn through out the years to come. For several months I had been longing for this special surprise but didn't really realize it until it fell right into my lap.
                                               This surprise that just proved to me just how AWESOME and LOVING the Lord is and reminded me that He cares for not just my needs but also my wants was how He provided for me to be able to go to a ladies worship night out of town. Two Saturdays ago out of the blue a friend asked me if I wanted to attend a womens night of worship at a church a few hours away from our house. She was going to lead worship and my husband (who rocks by the way) pushed me out the door! While I was there I just felt so parched spiritually. I was struggling with the stress of all that was going on.  I was going and going and going and the Lord knew that I needed to just stop and breathe! I was blessed to be able to meet some really awesome ladies who loved the Lord and who were so very real! We shared a wonderful meal as we fellowshiped and encouraged each other. It was so refreshing to just be there.  After dinner we had a time of worship for a few hours. I sat by myself and I could not get enough of Jesus.
                                  The focus of the night was Praise in the midst of trials. To be honest, I had a hard time at first. I wish I could say that it was easy for me. It wasn't.  I was so exhausted emotionally by all that is happening with David. I was going through a week where I realized I was grieving for what I had thought would be reality for my child.  I was struggling with feelings of guilt.  I was fighting blaming myself for his delays. I was so tired. I was just very sad. I stood and sang every song.  I prayed. Some songs I could barely sing because all I could do was cry. I finally realized how much I was grieving and that I needed to just lay it all out to the Lord.  I sat there and have never cried so hard in worship before.  I was able to acknowledge in that time before Him just how weak I was...how much I was grieving. I had been afraid to acknowledge my grief.  I felt shame. But, as I continued to pray I started to listen to the words that I was singing and I was able to hear the Lord. It was just a sweet time of fellowship at His feet. I remember the feeling that I could almost feel the Lord put His hand on me in comfort. I didn't feel condemnation, I felt love.  It was probably one of the most precious moments of worship I had ever had.  I was so very grateful.  I thought that was all that the Lord was blessing me with and then He surprised me again!
                                    At the beginning of the evening the womens ministry leader shared her heart and was refreshingly honest about the fact that she was having a hard time getting into the attitude of praise due to the crazy events that had happened during the day.  She was feeling so rushed and her point was that worship is a choice not based on feelings. Worship is the sacrifice of praise.  It isn't always easy. We don't just worship when we feel like it; rather we worship in the midst of pain...in the midst of suffering...in the midst of grief because of who Jesus is! At the end of the evening I wanted to share with her how grateful I was that she chose the subject of the evening to be praise in the midst of trials.  I shared with her how He had ministered to me that evening.  As I shared with her some of my thoughts about the journey with David she stopped me and said, "when I shared tonight that it was a hard thing for me to praise it was because of the struggles that my children WHO HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS were having that day"!  WOW!  God was sooo wonderful to introduce me to this beautiful lady.  The Lord had planned that blessing for me!  As we were leaving I mentioned that I came with my friend that evening because I didn't drive because I had epilepsy.  She stopped again and said that I needed to meet another lady who "has epilepsy and also has a son who has Autism"!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME Lord?!!!  LOL Turns out I had already met this lady at the table I was sitting at. It was such a blessing to be able to meet other moms who were walking this journey.  As if it couldn't get any better someone had invited me to attend the ladies retreat that the church was having in the Fall and decided that they were going to pay for me to go! My cup runneth over by the love of the Lord for me!  I was not only spiritually parched and just needed to feel the Lord's presence I also was hungering after more friendships with mothers who are walking this same journey.  He gave me exceedingly more than I had expected to receive that evening.  His love for me is so much deeper than I will ever realize.  Those things that I didn't realize that I needed He had so lovingly provided.  He is faithful!                                                

Learning to Rest In the Middle of Chaos

                                                I cant believe it has been a month since I have last blogged. Life has been so crazy but I have been thinking a lot about what I have been wanting to write about but have never had a moment to sit and write out my thoughts. It has been a very eventful month. So many things going on. My thoughts have been racing in the last month and it has begun to feel overwhelming at times. Learning to rest in Jesus in the midst of chaos has been the theme this last month. There have been many opportunities the Lord has put before me to help me learn to rest. Most have been challenging. But if they were not challenging how would I learn right? Life would be easy and I may have just gone my merry way through life without experiencing the precious moments of hearing the gentle whispers of Jesus to my heart. Because of that this will be a two-parter that I pray will encourage you in learning to rest in Him and His promises.  I pray that you will stay tune for the second half of this as I pour out my heart in my writing.
                                             David will be starting pre-school on September 2nd and I CANNOT wait for him to start this new journey. I have enjoyed having him home. I have been blessed beyond measure to be able to be both a stay and home mom and work full time from home.  However, it is truly time for him to be with his friends. I cannot provide all of the social needs that he has and quite frankly I think he needs to not be with mommy all the time. It will be sooo great for him in so many ways.  He will have a daily routine of going to school and learning to be social and learn to share and so many skills that he is slow in developing for his age. I have perfect peace about the timing! His pre-school that he will be attending is a private Christian pre-school where he will get a Christian education by teachers whose goal is to not only teach him academically but to see him spiritually grow as well....even at his young age. He will learn about Jesus every day. The Lord has provided for his schooling to be paid for and we wont ever see a bill this year....the check for the whole thing has already been written. PRAISE JESUS from Whom ALL blessings flow! He will attend five mornings a week and will continue to receive speech and occupational therapy in school. His teachers are wonderful and obviously love the children that they teach every day. He will also be in an inclusive classroom with other children that are typical in their development that he can learn from as well. His special eduation teacher is so excited to be teaching him and has such great hopes for him! 
                                                We also had the IEP (Individualized Education Plan) process to complete.  So many meetings. So many evaluations and observations of David by speech therapists, occupational therapists, psychiatrists etc. These were visits that were on top of his current therapy sessions. Those weeks were so exhausting both for me and for David. For two weeks he probably had 4 meetings each week between his regular therapy and his evaluations for the IEP process.  It was insane.  If I was exhausted I cant even imagine how stressed and tired he was. But it had to happen. If we were going to make sure that he was going to be able to receive the services he needed we had to go through this gruelling process. I was dreading the final IEP meeting.  On most days that he was evaluated he was having good days. I was afraid that they would not see the realities of his struggles and would not agree with me about my concerns. David still is not eating like a typical child his age.  He still continues to refuse texturized food.  He will still get upset when presented with finger foods of any kind.  I was so afraid that they would feel that he needed to be in an exclusive special education environment.  I was dreading this meeting. However, the closer we were to this meeting the Lord was so faithful in giving me peace in my concerns.  We went to this meeting and sat through a two hour long discussion as we walked through all of the evaluations. Finally we were at the part where we discussed his eligibility and needs. It was decided that he was eligible for services based on his diagnosis of Autism and would receive speech and occupational therapy several times a week for the entire year.  I was so very grateful!  However, the part that I was most grateful for was the section about the goals that they setting for him. There was not one thing that I disagreed with and to my surprise ALL the goals that were set were EXACTLY the things that I wanted them to do.  I was truly amazed!  The Lord had heard my cries.  He had listened and He provided all that I felt David needed.  I felt a little foolish as I thought about all of my anxieties and fears.  How could I not trust Jesus to provide when He loves our son so much more than we do?  What a thought! 
                                        
And there was so much more.........
                                             

God's Peace: A Beautiful Gift

                                                So, off to the neurologist we went.  David has a great pediatric neurologist that is wonderful with him.  He is actually the first doctor that he has seen that David feels completely comfortable with.  He just kept smiling and laughing at the doctor and just played in his office like he was just there to hang out....until he started to measure his head.  lol  After that was over he still just thought he was so nice.  While we were there we showed his doc the video of his episode and went over his history.  David had just had his year review of his Early Intervention Occupational and Speech Therapy.  He had declined cognitively in some areas and so that was a concern.  So, the doc had recommended what I was hoping for.  David had already previously had a sleep deprived EEG which came out normal before the episodes had increased in severity.  So, this time he and David's developmental specialist recommended that he have a MRI and another EEG done overnight at the hospital.  For both of them he would be sedated. I was relieved because I felt that if we were going to have another EEG done I wanted to make sure it wasnt the exact same test....I wanted to make sure we were checking all that we could.  I was also thankful for the MRI because David had not yet had one and even though I wasnt fearful there was something terribly wrong with his brain I wanted to make sure that we tested everything we could. So about 10 days later David and I stayed overnight at Roanoke Carillion Childrens Hospital to have the tests done.
                                     My husband Brian was going to have to work so was not able to stay overnight so I stayed with David that evening.  Brian had planned on dropping us off at the hospital and when we were settled he was going to have to go directly back to work.  But, it turned out that he was able to take the whole day off for that first day we were there.  At first Brian was saying his goodbye to us and actually left and I cried when he left.  I felt like such a wimp.  I had just realized that I was more scared than I had thought and all the stress just came pouring out.  I cried out to the Lord and asked for peace.  I was over tired because I hadnt slept very well the night before.... four hours.  I was so tired and I was overwhelmed because I knew it was going to be a long day.  But then he suddenly came back in the room and said that he had gotten to the elevator and said, "forget this!  I am staying!" He called his boss and he was able to take the whole day off of work. I was sooooo excited to see him!  I was just praising the Lord! I hadnt realized at that moment how thankful I was truly going to be. I am grateful that the Lord gives you just what you need when you need it.  I could feel His presence in all the situations that we were facing and in all my conversations with every doctor and nurse and I was so thankful. God's peace is a beautiful gift.
                                   A few hours later the nurses came in and prepped him for his MRI.  All four of us had to hold him down to get the IV put in.  He just screamed and cried.  It was HORRIBLE!  We kept singing to him silly songs and even put on his Veggie Tales music to try to calm him down.  The only thing that actually calmed him down is when we resorted to playing a Veggie Tales video on our ipad. Works every time!  lol  The nurses were sooo patient with him.  They were so sweet and loving and I was very grateful for the care that he received. The pediatric ward was wonderful.  They had a wagon that we could pull him in.....and we did that for hours....I mean hours!  :)  The only thing that we had wished for was much longer hallways.  We circled that nurses station so many times it was rediculous!  LOL
                                  Then it was time for his MRI.  They had told me that he was going to be sedated and they let me come in the room while he was being sedated.  They put the gas mask on him and I just looked at him and kept telling him he was okay.  Then he was out.  By the way right before I left the room they laid him down and his eyes rolled back.  It looked scary and very much like when someone is going into a seizure so it really freaked me out.  But, he was fine. I dont really care to see that again.  They completed the MRI and he came out of the sedation like a ticked off redhead!  LOL  But he did very well.  That evening he was hooked to the IV and slept all the way through the night.  I however, did not.  I was sooo tired and I just wanted to sleep but all I could hear were the machines.  I probably got an average of four hours sleep again that night. But, I was sooo thankful that David was able to sleep all through the night after all he had been through that day.

The next day would be another adventure........
                              
                                   
              
                                   

Seizures or Stimming?

                                                            A few weeks ago David and I had an adventure! We had a slumber party at the hospital....just he and I! I have written in my previous posts about the possibility of David having seizures. So, I thought I would take this time to update on where we stand right now. David had been having these "episodes" since probably around 10 months old. They started out where all he did was tremble anywhere from a minutes to ten minutes. It looked like he had the chills for up to 10 minutes....that is the only way I can describe them. Then they slowly increased in severity. David started jerking a little bit more which I chalked up to stimming.
                 For those who don't know what stimming is I will describe it. Stimming is when the child is over stimulated because they are excited or if they feel uncomfortable with something. It is a defense mechanism to comfort themselves from the overstimulation of the world around them. They do physical things or make sounds that comfort them and calm them down. For instance, you may see a child who is on the spectrum walk on their toes, flap their arms, make weird facial expressions etc. When David gets really excited about something or if something scares him or upsets him he will do these things. Stimming can also be things like drooling when the child feels uncomfortable with something. An example of this with David is when he is presented a food that he is uncomfortable with due to its smell, color or texture he will sometimes start drooling or stiffen his arms up and cry. It all has to do with sensory issues. It looks very cute when they are really little but can look very strange as they get older. This is where the differences in your child and other children start to be very noticeable.
                          These episodes started increasing in severity and in frequency. He would start to shake mildly and then start to uncontrollably shake from head to toe. His hands and head would jerk violently. He would stand up the whole time of this episode but I could not get his attention during it. The last two episodes that he had I was not able to get his attention after it was over. He would just stare when I would repeat his name. I had sent a video to his developmental specialist at 10:00 one evening and the next morning she called me and said she wanted him to see his neurologist as quickly as possible. Being that I have epilepsy I had thought that these were seizures but knew that stimming can look very similar depending upon the movements. It scared me when he wasn’t responding at the end of the episode. So, on to the neurologist we went.

More to come..... Yes, I am back to making you wait for the next part of the story! :)

Speaking Truth In Times of Struggle

                                              
                       Today my heart is heavy and I am fighting back tears. David has been in Early Intervention Occupational and Speech therapy for the last year. We have been blessed with wonderful therapists that have tried their hardest to assist us in working with David and helping him improve developmentally. He has improved in many areas. Some are easy to see and some are hard to see. I was looking forward to his yearly review because to me that meant that I would be able to see all the changes that he has made in the past year....all of the victories and all of the improvements. Well, sometimes it is hard when you don’t hear what you prayed for. :(
                    The good news is that his receptive language is right on target at 24 months! Yay! I am very excited about that because he was around 6-9 months last year! That is quite the leap! :) His expressive language is at 12 months so we still have a long way to go with that but still saw improvement from a year ago. I am thankful. But then here comes the part that just makes my heart sink. In all other areas he was assessed at 9 months. I can’t get that number out of my brain. The boy is 2 years old and he is averaging around 9 months. The thing that makes my heart sink into tears is that he has declined in many areas since last year rather than improving. I am sitting here just broken and sad for my boy. I am fighting back lies that I know are not of the Lord. What have I done wrong? I have failed my boy. Fears are very real. Will he ever catch up? Will he ever eat normally? How will children treat him?  Will his teachers speak truths and be patient with him through his struggles?  Will he ever talk?! That on its own is my greatest struggle. I want him to speak. I don’t even know what his voice truly sounds like. My heart breaks when he gets visibly frustrated because I can’t understand what he wants. I don’t know his needs. I don’t know his wants. When he has tantrums out of frustration I just feel so helpless. When I see what we now know are most likely seizures it breaks my heart. To watch my son shake uncontrollably knowing what that feels like brings tears to my eyes. To not be able to fix that and take away those fears that he has in those moments is painful. As a mom who has epilepsy I know those fears and all I want to do is take them away. It is emotionally exhausting.
                              Someone asked me a week ago how I was doing with everything, if I was okay with the reality of his diagnosis and his struggles. My answer was that generally no. This is hard!!! This is a struggle. This is exhausting. BUT from a spiritual perspective I am truly okay because deep down in my heart I know that I am not alone. I know that the thoughts and guilt that I feel and the feelings of fear, condemnation and doubt are NOT from the Lord! Isaiah 43:2 says, "He will keep in PERFECT PEACE whose mind is stayed on YOU because he trusts in YOU"! I cling to that promise! I cling to that promise because if I don’t surrender all my thoughts, fears and feelings it will destroy me and all that I know to be true. That truth is that GOD IS FAITHFUL! I am not alone. Though I cannot see the road ahead and though the road ahead is scary and filled with so many unknowns I can know that His plan is far greater than all the fears that are deep within my heart. It is a battle that I am having to continue to choose to give to the Lord. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says, "For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ". I am choosing to take my thoughts captive and I am choosing to focus on the fact that the Lord has David in his hands.
                              This morning as I was getting David dressed to go to my friend's house I was reminded of a lady I know whose son has shared that through all his struggles that he had his mother would speak truths into his life every day. Through all his feelings of frustration because teachers were impatient with him, people were not kind and some did not believe that he would be successful in life his Mom always told him, "Son, Jesus has a huge plan for your life. God is going to use you"! Every night she told him that before bed without fail. Today that is exactly what the Lord is doing. So, as I thought about that I just started to tell David that. I said "David, Jesus has a huge plan for your life. He is going to use you in mighty ways. He loves you......He not only loves you but he likes you!" As I did that the most awesome thing happened! My son was soooo calm! He was listening so intently and just smiling at me. It made my heart smile. So, from now on without fail on a daily basis I will always tell David "Little man, Jesus has a huge plan for your life. He is going to use you in mighty ways. He loves you.....He not only loves you but he likes you!” In those moments I know that I not only will be speaking truth to my son but I believe that speaking those truths to him will also minister to my heart as well and remind me to focus on those truths.

Philippians 4:8

^"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are TRUE, whatsoever things are HONEST, whatsoever things are JUST, whatsoever things are PURE, whatsoever things are LOVELY, whatsoever things are of GOOD REPORT; if there be ANY virtue, and if there be ANY praise, think on THESE things."




                                  

GO DAVID!!!!!!!! :)

                                

                                 I am sooooo stinkin' overwhelmed with joy right now I cannot contain myself!!!! Why you ask????? My son just did something he has never done but I have been praying he would do. He ate a lima bean!!! He didn’t just taste, or smell it, or squash it! HE ATE THE ENTIRE bean!!!! He chewed it tasted and swallowed it WITHOUT gagging and with a smile on his face!!!!! He has NEVER EVER had a lima bean in his short life....not even when we started him on baby food. This is the first time he has EVER eaten a finger food successfully. As I type this he is walking around the living room with another lima bean in his hand and slowly eating it little by little. I don’t care how long it takes him. I say whatever it takes kid! Eat it whatever way you want!!!! LOL The other amazing thing is he ate it with all the garlic and pepper and butter on it! CRAZY! Actually I don’t think that that particular one had pepper but it did have garlic and butter. Brian said, "Of course he ate it! He must love garlic like his dad!" :) I am just rejoicing in this moment. Apparently my friend who watches him on Mondays and Fridays said he chewed a green bean today also. I am praising the Lord these victories. Many people overlook the tiny achievements that their children make but I take every single one and do my party dance!!! When he ate that lima bean it was all I could do to contain myself. I called his OT right away! We have been working for almost a year on his sensory feeding issues. With that one tiny bean we are finally seeing progress!!!!!! This moment makes it all worthwhile. I am soooo very excited! In my excitement I am also quick to realize that he may not do this again for a while but the fact that he actually put a finger food in his mouth is what I choose to concentrate on! I am so proud of my boy and I know he thought his mama had gone crazy with her excitement! I don't care! I will forever rejoice with him in all of his victories and I will forever be there for him in his struggles. I know that the Lord has a huge plan for his life and I am grateful for the Lord's reminder that He has his hand on David. I look forward to many more victories my little man experiences! I love my boy!!!!! Go DAVID!!!!! :)



Wisdom, Peace Through Changes

                                     For the last two years I have been so blessed to be able to be both a stay at home mom and work from home full time.  It has been CRAZY but I will take the crazy! It has been so worth it to be able to be there for David from the time he came home from the hospital until now.  I havent taken one day for granted!  It has been a honor.  But things are changing.  Life changes.  Plans change. David is in need of LOTS of social interaction...even more than he is getting now through the church nursery and the few days he goes to my friends house.  So through lots of prayer for what direction the Lord is wanting to take us we have found a wonderful private Christian pre-school that he will attend five mornings a week starting in September.  It is a wonderful school that was founded by a lady whose desire was to take children with special needs and have an inclusive classroom setting with children of all abilities.  When she started the school she wanted her special needs students to be able to continue to receive all the services that they were needing while attending pre-school.  In order to do that she needed to have the city public school system to agree to provide services to children attending this pre-school even though the school is private.  So for the past twenty years that is exactly what has happened and David will be receiving services while attending there.  This is a huge praise as all his services will be paid for.  And the Lord has provided the funding for us to be able to pay for his pre-school.  Because of this gift by someone close to us we will not have to worry about his schooling.  The Lord is so good and has once again reminded us that He is Jehovah Jireh our provider!  What a blessing! 
                                As I think about this transition my heart does get a little sad.  It is a scary thing to place your child in the hands of people that you pray will take good care of him and be patient with him through his struggles.  Even though there is the fleshly fear that all parents have I am grateful for the peace that the Lord has given both Brian and I that this is place that the Lord has for David.  I get so excited to think about the strides he may take in just being in an environment that will cater to his social needs.  I pray that the Lord will put His hand on David and teach him to speak.  He isnt saying words except for Mama, Dada and No.  I so long for him to be able to tell me what he needs.  It is a daily struggle to be able to understand what he needs and my heart breaks when I know he is having a meltdown out of frustration. Sometimes it is sooo hard to tell whether his meltdown is out of frustration or just being disobedient.  That is hard.  I pray every day that the Lord would show me.  O pray that I will know what to punish and what to work through with him....how to teach him to exress his frustration. I pray that the Lord would help him to learn how to speak while he attends this school.  I pray that He will help Brian and I to know how to teach him how to communicate.  I know that this will continue to be a long journey and I pray for continued strength and wisdom as we raise him.  What I do love is that he knows that we love him unconditionally and that he feels safe. He does express that.  :)  That brings me comfort even in his times of frustration.  I pray that the Lord would continue to give me His peace and wisdom as we continue to trust Him for guidance and direction....one day, one moment at a time.  He is faithful.

James 1:5

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

                                









                        

Little Victories, Big Blessings

                               I just realized it has been about a month since my last post. Life has been so crazy hectic! Every time I wanted to blog about more I never had time to do it. I guess that is life with an adventurous toddler. :) Anyway, the story continues. As you watch your child go through therapy it can be exciting, stressful, frustrating, sad, victorious....all those emotions packed in one. Sometimes it is hard to see the changes that the therapists see because we see our children on a daily basis and constantly work on skills that you think they will never master. But, I have learned to look for those successes...those small successes that are hard to see and celebrate them as if they mastered the main skill. I have learned to rejoice in the process of watching David excel in even the smallest steps. For instance, when David stopped gagging and started to actually play with food was a huge victory. He is also starting to want to eat almost consistently with a spoon. Another victory that David just did the other day was mimicking me. Since birth he has never clapped his hands at the same time during fun games. The other day he started to do that! I got tears in my eyes because it was the first time that he was "conversing" with me. It isn’t always consistent but with each moment I just rejoice inside. Those things that other parents take for granted are wonderful blessings and miracles to me! He has also started to ask for a drink when I ask him if he wants one. When he sees that I am making food he goes to his booster seat. This is huge because all he used to do was to stand there and scream. Also, the other day he had speech therapy and when his therapist started to leave he looked at me and said "mama" and then came to me. That was awesome! He has said "mama" and I know that he knows that I am his mama but that was the first time he actually looked at me and asked for me and came to me. My heart just overflowed with joy! Again, it may not be consistent but I rejoice in that moment! I don’t take for granted anything that David does. Each moment and each triumph is a gift from the Lord!

                      I have my days and am thankful for those who walk this journey and remind me that it is okay. I am grateful that the Lord has given me a support group of sorts with other parents who are walking this same path with their children. We pray for our children. We cry together. We laugh together. We rejoice in these moments together. We praise the Lord together! We trust the Lord together! We have "I'm not a mommy today/tonight" moments when we get together and NOT talk about the struggles but instead just have fun! Those times are important. To be able to "go on vacation" from the stress is needed to just refresh and rejuvenate. I have learned so much from these friends about looking for the triumphs and rejoicing and praising the Lord in those times. It has been so important to surround myself with sisters in Christ who focus on the Lord and seek His wisdom and will in raising our children. There is nothing like the bond that you have in friendships that are focused around Christ!

                      So, I rejoice in the fact that today is NOT one of those days! Today I am praising Jesus for all that He is doing and will do! Today I praise Jesus for each victory! Today I even praise Jesus for the struggles because in those struggles I see His work that He is doing. I see His love for us. Today I praise Jesus because He has given us a huge gift in giving us David two years ago....I can't even believe he is already TWO! Today I thank the Lord for His goodness, faithfulness, wisdom and strength! GOD IS GOOD!!!! :)

Smile, Bounce and Flap! :)

                                               David's speech therapy had started and I was so excited! The Lord gave him a wonderful therapist who just loves David and is always so excited to spend time with him. She just wants the best for David and has always been so encouraging to me as well. Her therapy sessions weren’t as dramatic as the other therapist. I think it was a bit easier with her because she was only working on his speech and not concentrating on the dreaded eating. :) We did have a lot of work to do though. But with her to me it was just fun! I loved therapy with her and I loved how David loved it as well. One thing that David has never been able to do so far is mimic, waive, clap his hands and participate in singing games using hand motions etc. When he was just a few months old I noticed he didn’t like me to do patty cake with his hands. I didn’t really think anything of it. I kept an eye on it but wasn’t really concerned. As time passed by he was still not wanting me to do it and he would just stare when I would try to get him to participate. It was like he knew he was supposed to do something but just couldn’t figure it out. He would laugh and think that it was great and flapped his arms up and down repeatedly but when I would try to get him to participate he would get frustrated. He didn’t want his hands to be messed with. He would just watch and flap his hands up and down and bounce. I thought it was cute. He did this from the time that he sat up and I just thought it was him being cute. The longer this lasted the clearer it came to me that this was more than just a child being cute. Of course, he was always cute so how was I supposed to know the difference?!! LOL
                    As I said, he has always had pretty good eye contact but we did notice that during these times of play he would look anywhere but at our eyes. He would look at our lips or hands or above us but would not look at us. When we would try to get his attention at times when he was spacy we had to get in his face to get him to look at us. I remember watching him one time with my sister when she visited and she was holding him up in front of her and she repeatedly said his name and he would look everywhere but her face. I think that was the first time that I noticed something different....but again I didn’t really think much of it. That was before he started therapy. We are still working on teaching him to waive, mimic, and clap his hands. Sometimes it is hard to watch. I cannot wait for the day to hear him ask for something or call me mom and be able to know with confidence that is what he is trying to say. I cannot wait to hear him say "Jesus loves me". I cannot wait for him to waive bye bye or say "hi". It something that I so long for! But, for now I will be content in knowing that every hug and every time he smooshes his little face into me that he is saying,"I love you Mommy"! That makes my heart melt. It gives me joy because it tells me that he knows that he is loved and taken care of and feels secure. When those other things come I will have a huge celebration and praise the Lord for each moment!
                               The best part of my day with David is anytime that we pray. Whether it is at mealtime, naptime or bedtime whenever we start to say, "Dear Jesus..." he just brightens up with a smile I cannot even describe and just starts to belly laugh with joy and as we continue to pray he starts flapping his arms and bouncing. I have never seen this kind of reaction in any other child. When we say, "In Jesus name we pray AMEN" he gets so excited and starts belly laughing again. This will happen whenever we stop and pray and he just watches Brian and I and just laughs. It NEVER fails.....EVERY TIME!!! I LOVE it!!!! I pray that he will always have a soft heart and love for the Lord. When we spend these moments with David he just brings me such joy and reminds me that the Lord has him in the palm of His hand and I look forward to watching His plan for David unfold.

                                          

I had hope....for that I was ever so grateful!

                     This was the day I was waiting for..... the first day of therapy for David....He was 14 months old. I was so excited to get started. His first session was with his Occupational Therapist. I remember being so nervous too. At this point whenever I would feed David....actually as soon as we put him in his high chair....all he would do is scream! Scream and gag. Scream and gag. Scream and gag. The pattern never ended. I tried so many things. I would prepare his food ahead of time. I would play music. I would sing. I would act silly to get him to smile. Sometimes those things would work to stop him from screaming but about 90% of the time he would still cry. I could not figure out for the life of me why he seemed so frustrated and upset at mealtime. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t eat. He would eat whenever I put the spoon in his mouth between cries and he would even want the food. He would lean forward and ask for it. So, it wasn’t that he wasn’t interested at all. He didn’t act at all like he didn’t like the food. Once it was put in his mount most of the time he would just gag part of it. As an example of his reaction to texture in food I remember at his first birthday party we gave him a cupcake. He just looked at it and cried. He gagged when we attempted to put some icing on his tongue and he stiffened up and cried and cried when he had icing on his hands. He hated it!

        I remember feeling so inadequate as a mom and thought for sure the therapist would be so hard on me. I know it seems silly but at this point I thought I didn’t even know how to do anything.....I thought I was doing something wrong. Then she came and it was like someone threw me a life preserver. I had built up so much frustration and sadness and I just felt so tired and overwhelmed. I asked the Lord for a therapist that would not only help David but also would help me in this journey. When she came she made me feel completely opposite of all that I believed myself to be at the time. She and I always talk about this first session with David. She had her hands full! All he did was cry and scream in his high chair. He wouldn’t play with the food at all and if I tried to put his hands in it he would just go into a full-fledged fit! He hated anything in his hands. He turned his head....but again still ate. I don’t think that there was a moment in this session that was peaceful. David just cried the whole entire time! It was nuts!

           I remember sitting there with her and she was the first one that listened to me when I told her my fears of him possibly having autism. In the midst of a crying child and trying to get through a therapy session it felt so comforting to be able to finally be able to cry and pour out my heart to another mom who was not only a therapist but also was walking the same journey with her child. She was not just giving me her professional opinion she was giving me comfort through telling me that all my thoughts and feelings were normal and okay. I felt like I made a friend. She understood! It was okay to allow myself to have moments of feeling overwhelmed. It was okay to grieve. She is a believer and she took the time to let me know she would be praying for me and David. I was so grateful to the Lord for giving David such a wonderful therapist that I knew would do her best in working with him on his delays. I also appreciated the fact that even though autism was a possibility she was taking a cautious view so that a conclusion would not be made too quickly. I was in full agreement! I knew we were on the same page and that was comforting as well. So, we continued.

         We decided to tackle the eating issue by going back to the basics. We just gave him one food at a time to see what he would tolerate. We stayed with breakfast cereal in the morning because at the point that was the one meal he seemed to tolerate the most and was the least emotional. He also hardly gagged on it. For lunch we started with carrots and bananas. All the foods were pureed. We did attempt foods with texture but at that point he was not close to being ready for them. We noticed right off that he was very sensitive to smell as well. Something that was the tiny bit different even to the color of the food would make him react so negatively. We were on a long journey...longer than I could have anticipated. But, the journey had started and we were taking one step, one moment and one day at a time.  I had hope....for that I was ever so grateful!
 

 *************This is an example of what would do at mealtime.  This was his first birthday party.

What is Autism?

                                            I have realized this week that I have just written about our journey with Autism but haven't really discussed exactly what Autism is. The Autism Speaks Website defines Autism as : "Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive  behaviors. Autism statistics from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) identify around 1 in 68 American children as on the autism spectrum–a ten-fold increase in prevalence in 40 years. Careful research shows that this increase is only partly explained by improved diagnosis and awareness. Studies also show that autism is four to five times more common among boys than girls. An estimated 1 out of 42 boys and 1 in 189 girls are diagnosed with autism in the United States. Each individual with autism is unique. Many of those on the autism spectrum have exceptional abilities in visual skills, music and academic skills. About 40 percent have average to above average intellectual abilities. Indeed, many persons on the spectrum take deserved pride in their distinctive abilities and “atypical” ways of viewing the world. Others with autism have significant disability and are unable to live independently. About 25 percent of individuals with ASD are nonverbal but can learn to communicate using other means."
                          Each individual is different....no two people are a like.  Each one has different gifts, needs, sensory issues. People who have Autism are actually extremely intelligent and some of the most famous people are on the spectrum. I have read that people such as Mozart, Tim Burton, Susan Boyle, Daryl Hannah as well as Dan Aykroyd have either been suspected of having Autism or they have officially been diagnosed and have chosen to share it publicly in order to raise awareness. The video that I am sharing in this blog is probably one of the best explanations of Autism that I have heard. Please take the time to watch it as I believe it will be helpful in understanding exactly what Autism is, how people who have it see the world and how they view it and how all of us can learn to communicate and include them in our daily lives. Please also share this with your teens as they can learn to be a blessing to those friends that they may have in school that are on the spectrum.  This can be educational to them on how to befriend and understand other students on the spectrum. We all can learn so many things from these beautifully gifted individuals.  Enjoy!  :)

We can't BUT Jesus Can!!!!

                                             Today was a rough day.  But the Lord is my comforter.  Today I feel overwhelmed.  But the Lord is my strength.  Today I was sad.  But I find my joy in trusting the Lord.  I choose to find joy in the fact that He is my strength, my shield, my sustainer and my ever present help in time of need.  The Lord is my peace and I am so grateful that He finds joy in giving me mercy and grace to walk through difficult circumstances.  I find myself today having a moment where I feel that I need to be transparent about where I am right now.  I have had to remind myself that it is okay to feel overwhelmed.  It is okay to be sad.  It is okay to grieve for what you thought would be.  So many times I try to be strong.  I hold it all inside trying to be everything and trying to be what I am unable to be. I am not able to be everything.  I am not able to be anything....without Christ.  Today I spoke with two of my family members and I am grateful for the things that the Lord showed me through these conversations.  I hope that this will encourage you in whatever circumstance that you may be going through with your children. You can even apply these things to a situation in your life that does not involve parenting. I hope that you may be able to take these things and share with others.  To me they were very important for me to hear.

1. Keep our minds focused on Jesus.  Remind myself of my key verse: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because He trusts in You."  Isaiah 26:3  Make sure to make time to be in the Word.....soak it in so that we can hear His voice.....to be able to get rid of all the chaos around us and just be able to see Jesus.  Just be able to feel His presence. 

2. Whenever we think we can do it..... we cant!  We cannot do anything....Christ can do it!  He gives us strength.  He gives us wisdom.  He gives us grace.  He gives us peace.  He is our Rock.  He is our Portion.  He is our Help.  He is our Shield.  He is our Jehovah Jireh who provides us with all that we need to walk through.  When we surrender our weakness to Him He takes that weakness and gives us all that we need.  When we say, "Lord I don't know how to do this.  I don't have the strength.  I depend upon You.  I cant Lord!  BUT I TRUST that You can" He gives us what we need to be able to do all that we need to do.

3. Whenever we are able to we need to take care of ourselves.  Whether that means going for a walk for while or whatever else is relaxing.  In our busy lives it is hard to do that.  It is hard to remember that if we are not able to make sure that we are healthy physically, emotionally and most important spiritually we wont be able to be the best parents for our kids.

4. When we do have the occasion to get together with a friend allow yourself to choose not to talk about your situation/children.  Allow yourself to just be you....not be mom for the night.  Talk about the Lord, talk about the good things that are happening in each others lives, rejoice with one another for the things that the Lord is doing. Pray with each other. Just laugh. Smile.  Be happy.  Allow yourself to just be silly.  Just let yourself have a time to just be.

5. Remember that the most important role that you play in your children's lives is: You are their mom. For those with children with special needs....we are not their therapists.  Yes we need to work with them one on one and spend time playing and enjoying each moment with them.  But, if it seems overwhelming and you think that nothing is connecting and you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel keep the focus on the fact that the only thing that truly matters is time you spend with them as their mom.  They are learning that you are the one person who they can always count on to love them unconditionally.  You are mom.  That is all that they need you to be.  You are mom.  No one else can do that job but you.  When all seems overwhelming and you want to do it all and you feel defeated NOTHING else matters but the fact that you are their mom and that is all that they need. 

6. Celebrate the smallest accomplishments.  Soak it in!  Praise them!  Rejoice with them!  Be silly over the smallest thing!  Laugh.  Enjoy those moments.  They are precious!

7.  Have a sense of humor.  Don't take things too seriously.  Keep laughter in the journey. 

8. Allow yourself to have moments to just let it all go and allow yourself to just be sad.  It is OK.  Don't try to stuff it all.  At the same time don't stay there.....move on. 

9.  Look for opportunities to allow the Lord to use your situation for His glory in someone else's life. Share what He is doing.  Encourage them with what the Lord is showing you.  Give them hope. 

10. Remember you are loved by the King!!!  You are His child.  He loves your children just as much as he loves you....actually more than you love them.... and they are just yours to raise.  They ultimately belong to Him.  He has a huge plan for their lives that far exceeds what you can even imagine.  Enjoy the ride!  Keep surrendering them to His hands. 

God bless you all abundantly more than you can ever ask, think or imagine as you walk the journey the Lord has you on! 

Ephesians 3:16-21

Therapists: Precious Gifts Indeed!

                          It was David’s nine month checkup. He was not sitting up on his own. Eating issues were not improving and his pediatrician asked us to bring him back at 10 months so that she could check on his motor skills and development. So, we returned. At 10 months he finally was sitting up on his own. I was still voicing my concerns regarding his eating issues but was waiting for his pediatrician to agree that there was a real issue. Finally, at his one year checkup I asked her if he could be referred to have early intervention therapy. I had friends who had mentioned that their children had therapy for their eating issues and they had made great improvements as a result. I was soooo happy that she agreed! Because he had other delays the thought of Autism was entertained but not seriously discussed at that point. So, on July 3, 2013 we took David to be assessed at Infant Toddler Early Intervention. David was 14 months old.
                             I was actually excited about the fact that we were going to be able to get therapy for David. Although I was excited, I also was so nervous that my gut feelings were right. I really didn’t want to be right. He was observed by a Speech Therapist and an Occupational Therapist as well as the Early Intervention Coordinator. As they observed David and asked us questions about his history and our history I could tell there was more to work on than I had realized. Brian and I had told them that he was just diagnosed with Aspergers and I had a nephew that was on the spectrum as well. Brian has always been very open about having Aspergers which was wonderful. He was happy that we were going to finally be able to help David.  After they observed David for a good hour they went over their assessment results.
                                  His Occupational Therapist went over her observations and assessed David as being at 6 months for Atypical Feeding, 11 months Cognitive, 11 months gross motor and 11 months fine motor skills. That actually didn’t surprise me or upset me that much because that is where I thought he was in those areas. I wasn’t thrilled at the 6 month range for eating but it didn’t surprise me at all. But when I heard where his Speech Therapist assessed him to be at I got a lump in my throat. He was assessed at being at 6 months in both receptive and expressive language......almost a full year behind. I knew he was delayed but I didn’t realize how delayed he was emotionally and verbally and my heart just sank. I knew that he wasn’t waiving "bye bye" and he was not mimicking me at all. I think I just entered a temporary denial that his speech was delayed as significantly as it was. Whenever the thought had crossed my mind I would just try to put it in the back of my head. There is one thing thinking it on your own and another thing when someone confirms it and you hear the words out loud. I remember sitting there and trying not to cry. It was pretty tough to hear. To some this may not seem like a big deal but to me it was. I wanted my son to waive hi and bye bye. I wanted my son to participate in interactive songs and games with me. I wanted to see my son clap his hands with me with laughter. I wanted my son to blow kisses. I wanted my son to say "mama". I wanted my son to speak....not just with words but through play and interaction with books and playing with toys. At 14 months old he was not doing anything close to it and my heart just hurt.
                                     I remember coming home that afternoon and reading his IFSP (Individualized Family Service Plan) over and over again and having a bitter sweet feeling. I was so thankful to the Lord for answering my prayer in providing therapy for David. I knew that once we would start he would make great improvement. The plan documented all of therapist findings as well as the plan that we put together for the best therapy treatment specifically to fit David and his needs.  It also discussed the goals that were set for David to reach improvements by a certain date.  It was very specific with challenging but reachable goals for him. 
                                        As I sat there I just began to pray for David that the Lord would touch him and help him with each step of improvement that he would need to make. I prayed that He would give Brian and me wisdom to know what we needed to do to help David and to teach him those things that he needed to learn. I prayed for his therapists and for his therapy that we would be unified together as a team in doing all that is best for David. I am happy to say that the Lord has answered that prayer. David has amazing therapists that I will love forever! They have been such a huge blessing to us and have been so wonderful with him. When I have had my moments of feeling discouraged and frustrated they have listened to my cries. They have listened with understanding and sweet encouragement! They have made me feel like a wonderful Mommy who is doing her best for her son. They have formed a huge attachment to David and they will always be a part of our lives even when it is time for them to move on. I am truly grateful for both of them. Precious gifts indeed.

                                     






                                  

Let the comforting begin……

                                                          Sitting there watching David eat in front of other kids brought a lump in my throat. There were many times when I was trying to hold it together in front of people and then lose it when I was alone. This time was different. We were having dinner with friends and all their kids were at the table eating. My friend's daughter who was a month older than David was in her high chair and David was in his. She was devouring her food and eating finger foods and having a good time. David was crying and still eating pureed baby food. No texture whatsoever. No finger foods. No using hands to experiment with foods and only happy if I was feeding him. I remember sitting there watching the kids eat, feeling frustrated that my child was struggling and it was all I could do to hold it in. It was the first time I really saw the difference between David and other children. It made me sad. I remember thinking as I could tell I was not going to be able to hold the tears in, "oh great! Now you have to get upset! You are going to make a huge embarrassment of yourself". I knew that I was wrong but I felt at the time all alone in this journey. A friend asked me if I was okay and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I just lost it. I was so embarrassed. I just cried and told her of the struggle and just feeling so overwhelmed and knowing that there was something wrong. I felt (I stress felt knowing that it wasn’t fact) like a horrible mom. I sadly started comparing my abilities to the other moms based on the success of my son. I know that this is normal for many moms. I believe that even if our child does not have special needs that we all do that. I am grateful for that friend (she knows who she is if she is reading this :) ). She just listened. She just let me have a moment and sometimes that is all anyone needs. Sometimes all someone needs is an ear. We don’t always have to have the answers.
                                        I am learning through these moments when I speak to other moms that have children with special needs to just listen. I am learning that if I can comfort another mom who is going through something similar it brings me joy. The thought that I am letting another mom know that she is not alone gives me such joy inside. When I am able to say to another mom "yes. This situation really stinks and is painful BUT JESUS. He is walking us through. We just need to keep looking to Jesus. We need to keep crying out to Jesus. He is the only One that will be able to understand every thought, every feeling, and every frustration. He is the only One who can hold us, sustain us, and give us wisdom. No one else can comfort like He can. He is the only One that can show us how to parent our children. His opinion is all that matters. Are we glorifying Him? Are we seeking Him? That is all that matters". 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and GOD of ALL COMFORT, who comforts us in ALL our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in ANY trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." That is what we as Christians are called to do as we walk with each other through our trials. We may not be walking the same journey but we can encourage each other by reminding each other of the truth of His Word. We can remind each other to keep our eyes focused on Him and we can say that we may not understand but we know who does. We can pray for each other. We can pray with each other. When you come speak with another mom who may be walking a difficult journey will you bring the comfort of Jesus? I am sure as you do it will bring you great joy and I know that as you do you will also be comforted in your situation. Let the comforting begin……
                         

I Thought It Was So Cute Until......

                                           I thought it was so cute how David just flapped his arms over and over when he became excited. I thought it was so great that I never really had to worry that David was going to put something in his mouth because he never did. I thought it was so great that David never wanted his pacifier or wanted anything in his mouth except the bottle. That is what I thought until I realized this isn’t normal. I started seeing new things (or not seeing things) when David was around five months old. He was not mimicking me at all. He didn’t want to participate in games and songs. He thought it was so funny and would giggle and laugh but I could tell he had absolutely no clue that he was supposed to mimic back. When I would try to show him how to do patty cake or songs with hand motions he would just get soooo frustrated. He never let me show him how to clap his hands......he still doesn’t like it to this day.
                                       There have been a few times here and there when David has called me "mama". I cannot say for sure that is exactly what he was trying to say. That was for about a few weeks here and there. He does not speak any words for the most part. If he has they have been "no" or "dada" and sometimes "mama". But mostly it is just the sound "dada" or "dddddddd". He grunts to get attention and throws toys or hits when he gets mad. Thankfully I have been told that the tantrums have not happened yet at his sitters. Time out has helped with the hitting. He is starting to show signs of trying to tell us what he wants. He will bring a book or his ball. If I were to point to something and ask him to bring it to me he doesn’t look at it and will not bring it to me. We have been using sign language and ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) therapy to teach him to communicate. This has been a challenge.
                                  The other area that has been the biggest challenge and what confirmed my fears is his eating issues. When we started feeding David solids he started out ok when we slowly transitioned him with cereal in the morning. Then we moved to fruits and then veggies. He began to gag. When the textures changed he would gag and just cry and cry. At one point as soon as he was in his high chair he would just cry and cry and then all he would do is scream. It was so hard! It was so frustrating. I tried so many things. I thought at first the screaming was due to him being impatient so I would try to have his food ready and would feed him as soon as he got in his high chair. Then he continued to gag. I noticed that sometimes as soon as his food had any type of change the gagging was worse. He would gag and he would flap his hands and stiffen up. There were times that even the sight of food would make him have a fit. He would scream and stiffen up. I was so sad, frustrated, exhausted and started to dread mealtime. I had to brace myself for each meal. That made my heart break and I would just cry. I was at a loss and didn’t know how to help my boy. I wanted to enjoy this time with my son. I wanted him to enjoy it as well. But, unfortunately they were the hardest most unenjoyable times of the day.
                                             I also noticed that David didn’t know how to play with age appropriate toys. He would hold them and look at them but wouldn’t play. For instance, he would take a car and just try to chew on it but wouldn’t play with it. He doesn’t play with blocks. He does not stack things up on top of other things. He just knocks them down. When he is shown how to stack things he gets really mad and has a throw on the ground tantrum. When we try to show that we don’t throw our toys he gets frustrated. We repeat this over and over again. The other day when I was working with him on his blocks he had a tantrum and just threw himself on me and squeezed me and would not let go. It was like he needed me to just calm his sensory overload. He seemed to calm down once he had a few moments to take a break. This is our daily life.
                                       David has always had pretty good eye contact and if you were to see pics of him he is always smiling. He has the best laugh in the world but pics don’t tell the story. When I have shared with people that David was diagnosed with Autism many say, "but he doesn’t look Autistic", "but he is such a happy boy", "he is so smart". The thing about Autism is that there really isn’t a face for it. Also, people who have Autism are some of the most intelligent people in the world.  Every person who has Autism is completely different from the other in their degree and in their needs and gifts.....that is why it is called Autism Spectrum Disorder. Each spectrum is different. Even if two people are on the same spectrum both of them are unique. Each person is unique and blessed with unique gifts that the Lord has given each of them. Each one is a blessing to every person that is honored to have them be a part of their life. 

 

                                               

Early signs of concern.......

                          Something in my gut was telling me that there was something wrong. I know people thought I was crazy and a typical new mom overly concerned about their child. But something was just not right. David was not reaching some developmental stages early on. There were pretty good things though. He was pretty good at being able to take his bottle. I tried to breast feed and it was just not working and it was not a thrill at all. As soon as we offered him the bottle he just scarfed it down. :) He didn’t have a problem with formula at all. That was the great thing. From the time we brought him home and once we changed to the bottle he was sleeping just fine. He slept three to four hours at a time so that meant we only had to get up twice an evening. He was a pretty easy newborn.
                          It was hard for me not to compare him to other babies his age. I saw things early on that concerned me. He HATED tummy time. He HATED it! It was so frustrating. He would just scream.....not just cry out of being annoyed....scream from the moment we put him on his tummy. He had a hard time lifting his head. It seemed like forever before he just was annoyed. He was five months old when he finally would lay on his tummy and lift his head without screaming. Once we got him to play on his tummy it took him awhile to get him to roll over. He didn’t roll over until he was 7 months old. He didn’t start crawling until he was 9 months old. He was around 11 months old when he sat up on his own. Once he started crawling he of course was everywhere! LOL I was so happy to see him start to explore. Finally, on the day of his first birthday party he stood for the very first time. He pulled himself up as he played with his toy box. I was so happy! When he was 16 months old he finally met a developmental milestone on time...... he took his first steps on his own. Brian had come home from work and he saw him at the door let go of the table and took 3 steps towards him! We were soooooo excited!!!!!
                          I have to admit like everyone else most of the time even though I had that gut feeling I did think that I was just paranoid at times. I kept trying to agree with everyone who said to me that he was just a boy and boys develop later than girls.  I began to hate that mostly because the more differences I saw in David the stronger my feeling became. I had watched so many other children around his age meet milestones way ahead of him. I began to be hard on myself. Was there something wrong with me? Was I a good mom? I think we all think that when our children are not doing what we think they should be doing. But I still had that gut feeling and was screaming inside for someone to listen. It was a hard time. In my heart I knew that there was something not right. I knew that Autism ran in my side of the family and I knew that it was a hereditary disorder. I kept trying to put that thought in the back of my head. But when we started to feed him baby food I believe that is was confirmed in my heart that something was definitely wrong. He was around 5 months old. This was going to be a difficult journey. I started to Google early signs of Autism in infants and I didn’t like what I had read and I had to acknowledge that this could be a possibility. My heart just sank......