SHOCKED But Oh Soooooo Thankful!!!!!

                               It was a Fall Saturday, September 17, 2011 and I was working my weekend shift at my second job that I had at the time. I had had a long week and was more tired than usual. In the middle of my shift I stopped next door at Target to get a drink. As I walked out the door to get back to work I heard the Lord's voice telling me to buy a pregnancy test! I thought to myself this crazy! What am I doing? Ok fine.... I'll buy one! So I bought the cheapest test I could buy..... after all I'm probably not pregnant. So I went about my business and was excited to have friends over for dinner after work. Brian and I made a plan of how we would clean up the tornado that was our house. I had dinner in the crock pot and Brian was putting together brand new dining room chairs we had just purchased. It was 4:30 and our friends would arrive in an hour. Now, you would think that I would have started to clean as soon as I walked in the door. What do I do? I decided in the middle if all this chaos to "get it over with" and take the test that I was just sure would be negative like all the others I had taken. Well, I was about to get the shock of my entire life! I looked at the result and about passed out! There it was! The positive result...... I was pregnant!!!!!! I just stood there for what seemed to be an eternity and just kept staring at it. I thought to myself how I used to think that if I ever became pregnant I would tell Brian in a fun way but I knew I could not keep it in. I walked out into the living room and yelled for him. I just remember saying, "Look!" It was crazy! We were both SHOCKED to say the least! Our lives were going to be forever changed! One moment I was just going about my day not knowing that at the end of it I would find out I was a mommy! :) It was the scariest, most amazing, unbelievable moment of my life! I had wanted this! I had prayed for this! I had never thought it would ever happen! This was not an issue of trying to have a child and not being able to have one. Having children was never an issue in our relationship. We had always talked about adoption. We went back and forth for 10 years trying to decide whether we were ready. We were not trying to get pregnant and since it had been 10 years and we had always thought we might like to adopt anyway we decided on our 10th Anniversary that we felt it was the right time to start the process. We were at a point where we said if it happens great and if it doesn’t great too! We knew that the Lord would give us a child if that was His will and it would come in His perfect timing. We started the process of looking into adoption in June and 3 months later I was pregnant. The Lord has a great sense of humor! :) We wanted to be sure that I was definitely pregnant and were able to get into the doctor’s office right away on that Monday morning and there we received confirmation that I was indeed pregnant and that we would have a beautiful child sometime in May 2012. We were able to rejoice even more because we had a peace that this was truly the Lord's timing. We had a peace that it was His timing but there was also an inner fear that we needed to trust the Lord with and that was the issue of my health. We were in for a huge adventure.......



"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward" Psalm 127:3

 

Joy in Vulnerability

          I have to say that the word vulnerability has always been scary to me. It is not easy to be vulnerable....to be transparent. It is not easy to lay out all of our junk for the world to see. It is not easy to admit how helpless we feel. It is not easy to admit our weaknesses. Of course there is wisdom in knowing how much to share and when this is appropriate of course, but when we take a chance we never know how the Lord will use it.
                  I have a very dear friend named Catherine who has taught me that. She has a blog called Choosing Joy Daily (hope you don’t mind the plug Catherine :) ) that has ministered to me in so many ways. She has had to face many trials in her life. If we were faced with some of her trials we might not choose joy....but she does. She has taught me that we can have joy in our trials and still be honest about our feelings. We can have joy when our minds are focused on Him. Philippians 4:8 "Finally brethren, whatever things are TRUE, whatever things are NOBLE, whatever things are JUST, whatever things are PURE, whatever things are LOVELY, whatever things are of GOOD REPORT, if there is any VIRTUE and if there is anything PRAISEWORTHY meditate on THESE THINGS!" We can share how much of a struggle we are going through with honesty and still say BUT JESUS is good, faithful, sovereign and is my Light and my Strength and I praise Him because He will not let me go! We can choose to say we will not focus on the why but instead on the WHO....... JESUS!!! He is true to His Word! She has taught me that when our focus is on glorifying Jesus in our vulnerability and transparency He can do wonderful things. It is Him who we glorify in our weaknesses. It is through my friendship with Catherine that I have received courage from the Lord to share my heart. Her loving advice to me when I told her I wanted to write this blog was..."just write from your heart that loves Him and you will be amazed at how He uses our vulnerabilities to reach others through what He is teaching us in the midst of trials or blessings". Thank you Catherine!
                    For me at the beginning I thought that I would just be writing a blog as a means for me to just process all that was happening...to allow myself to communicate my thoughts. Yes, my desire was so that others would be encouraged but I am truly humbled by the many ways the Lord has used it within these last few weeks since I have started the blog. With each word I pray that the Lord would be glorified and my true desire is that others would see how good Jesus is. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for sharing this journey with me......in both the trials and the blessings along the way!  God bless you all!

Continuing the journey........

Sweet Surrender

      
             As I walked into church after about a month of having a bad attitude I just put on a smile. I remember our pastor asked how things were going with the latest news. I felt at the time all I could do is just give him an answer that I felt that he wanted to hear. One thing that this taught me after I had done it is how so many people come to church and are silently broken inside afraid to show their weaknesses. That was where I was at. I didn’t want people to see that I was falling apart inside. I felt like I had to be strong. I couldn’t dare confess how I felt on the inside. Why, that would just look horrible....what would people think? How self-absorbed and prideful is that?! I didn’t dare tell someone that I was struggling with my attitude about things. But, the Lord can take our pride and cause us to become real in very unique ways. This particular evening happened to be our monthly communion night. We usually have a night of praise and worship, prayer, sharing a word of exhortation from the Word or anything that someone may feel that the Lord put on their hearts to share to edify those in attendance. We also share in Communion at the end. This has always been my favorite service because it is the one service when I sit by myself. My husband teaches the children on Wednesday nights so that always leaves me sitting by myself and usually I try to sit with someone on other nights but I sit by myself on purpose on these nights because it helps me to meditate on what the Lord is trying to say to me personally. I am then able to just sing my heart out to the Lord and pray. It is the one service that makes me feel like there is no one in the room with me but Jesus. When I worship on these nights I literally pray as I sing. In worshiping and thinking about the words that I am singing I begin to feel like it is just Jesus and me having a conversation. In these services I hear Him most clearly. Worship is the one thing that causes my heart to soften and my ears to be open to hear the Lord in all circumstances in my life. That is what happened this particular evening. I sat in my chair and tried to sing. I realized rather quickly that I couldn’t. I just sat there. I sat through worship, the message that our pastor had shared and through the things that others shared from the Word. I realized that I felt numb. I had no joy. I had sadness and my anger had taken all the joy out of worshiping. Something had come between me and my precious time with Jesus. I had become so consumed with my selfishness and anger that I couldn’t even hear from the Lord. I had lost joy in the Lord. At that moment I just began to cry. I realized that I needed to be real. I prayed but there were no words. I don’t really remember what I prayed because I was just so sad that I had come to this point. I just remember asking the Lord to give me back that joy. I just poured my heart out and asked the Lord to just take the whole situation and do with it whatever He wanted!!! Little did I know He already was. :) I asked Him to take my anger and give me joy. I realized how ungrateful I had been to the Lord for all that He had done. He had been so faithful to us. He had given us a beautiful miracle son, He provided for all of our needs but most importantly He bought me with His precious blood on the cross. I was His daughter and He loved me. His forgiveness is as far as the East is from the West and He loves to be merciful to me. As I surrendered this attitude to Jesus I felt like a HUGE waive just came over me and a HUGE enormous weight just came off of me. Anger is exhausting!!! I decided that night that I was going to take this new journey and glorify the Lord wherever He leads us. It was then that I received my joy back. I asked the Lord to show me all the blessings in this situation and to teach me how to be Brian's cheerleader instead of a wife that was hard to be around. I had looked in the mirror and the reflection didn’t look good. I wanted my reflection to be a reflection of Jesus. I wanted people to know that there was a difference in me....that I was not perfect....that I have struggles BUT that I trusted the Lord and that I was determined to praise Him and trust Him. Some may be asking why I have been so transparent in this blog. The answer is so that others can be encouraged to do the same. The biggest answer to all of the situations that life brings is JESUS!!! Without our focus on the Lord how can we see through the dark? He is our Light and when we focus on His Light and His Word all the clouds and the darkness clear up. It doesn’t mean that the trial is over.....BUT it does mean that He IS walking us through it! Beautiful things come out of brokenness. But the most beautiful thing for me is learning more and more about my Savior....my Abba Father Daddy. He is all that I need. He is all that you need! He is everything!!!! Do you know Him? Is He your everything?! I hope so.

My theme verse that has come out of all of this:

Isaiah 26:3

"You will keep him in PERFECT PEACE, whose mind is stayed on You, because he TRUSTS in YOU."

I am thankful for that peace.

If you want to know more about how to get that peace message me and I would be happy to share. :)

More to come on the second part of this journey and beyond soon.......
             

The Final Answer

                    It was a Wednesday evening. In the mail came a large envelope from the doctor’s office. I knew what it was. I wanted to rip open the envelope while Brian was at work but I waited until he came home. After all, it wasn’t me wanting an answer, it was Brian. I remember opening the diagnosis summary up and reading her final diagnosis of Aspergers and OCD. There it was in black and white. No turning back and no denying it anymore. Reality hit. I read through the paperwork looking for something that I didn’t agree with....something that I could say was ridiculous but I couldn’t. There was nothing that I disagreed with and I had a peace about everything that I had read. Although I had a peace it just seemed huge to me. I didn’t really know how to respond to it. I had so many questions running through my head. What does this mean? How will this affect our relationship? What was my role in all of this? How is Brian needing me to respond to all this? How is this going to affect David? I remember talking to someone at church that night and saying how I didn’t know how to respond to this. They responded by telling me that the correct response is PRAY! At the time I just had this extremely overwhelmed feeling! I allowed myself to stay in that feeling of being overwhelmed because I thought I deserved it. The thing that makes me most sad about this whole story is how I responded......so selfishly angry.  Instead of praying I just became sad and that sadness led to being angry. Many may be asking why I was so upset. Why is this a big deal? Well, the reasons will remain between Brian and me but regardless I just became sad and angry. Remember what I shared in the first post? I had prayed for an answer and was given the answer....I didnt like the answer. I started a month long "spiritual temper tantrum" with the Lord. It was like I was stomping my feet like my toddler does when he doesn’t get his own way. It makes me sad and embarrassed to think about. But, the Lord was so patient with me as I fought Him back and forth. As I made decisions based on fear and anger He ever so gently kept pressing on my heart to surrender this. I am grateful that the Lord loves to show mercy to His children. He certainly showed mercy to me. He lovingly kept listening to my cries and kept drawing me back slowly until one night at church I just surrendered. This was a night that I will never forget.....

Of course he is intellegent!!! Duh!!!!

         After Brian had told me that he suspected he had Autism I knew that he was going to get tested.  And so the testing began.  He asked for a referral from his doc and made an appointment with a psychiatrist to have the testing done.  He was given testing for a few hours and came home exhausted.  He was excited though about the whole thing. He was excited that he was going to find an answer to all his questions.  He was going to have an answer and be able to do something about it.  He was happy. I wasn't.....I didn't want anything to do with this on the inside. Please dont misunderstand I was VERY HAPPY that he was doing this for himself.  I wanted this for him.  It was just hard for me.  It scared me. I remember he took the tests and then they gave him a test that I had to take regarding him.  I answered all the questions. Brian sent the tests in and we waited for our appointment.  We met with the psychiatrist together.  I was sure he would get someone that would just diagnose just to diagnose and tell him a bunch of junk that would be total garbage.  I walked into the office with a very cautious, protective attitude. I remember listening to all that the doctor had to say. I didn't say a word for awhile.  I just listened.  She went over all his tests and I remember her saying how intelligent Brian was. She said that he tested very high on the IQ testing that he took.  I remember thinking, "well, duh, of course he is intelligent!  I don't need a test to tell me that!"  I have always been impressed by how intelligent Brian is.  He is extremely gifted in teaching and is very creative.  Those are things that I have always loved about him.  He is an excellent writer too!  Hint Hint Brian if you are reading this (which I am sure you are) you need to start writing again!  :) Then she asked me a few more questions about my thoughts and clarified some things that I had answered regarding Brian. She did say that she was "conservative in her diagnosis of individuals because I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill".  At that point I began to lower the wall. I began to listen to her and take this more seriously. At that point is when I saw that we were there for a purpose.  I didn't like what the purpose was but I began to see that this was a good thing.  She discussed with us what she thought would be her diagnosis:  OCD and Aspergers/Autism.  She said she would review the changes to my answers that she needed to clarify and then send us her final diagnosis..... So we waited......

Autism?!?! Seriously?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

          I could not understand what was happening.  I had never heard of a person being diagnosed in adulthood.  I thought it was just a childhood diagnosis.  How in the world could my husband have autism and I not even recognize it?  After all I was married to the man for almost 12 years! I had my Bachelors in Child Psychology, Masters in Education, taught children who had Autism and a nephew who was on the spectrum.  How could I not recognize this? I had always thought that my husband was unique but that was one of the reasons why I loved him. Here he was coming home and announcing out of the blue that he was researching the possibility for a few months and he believed he had Autism.  It was so hard for me to wrap my brain around it. But, little did I know that The Lord was going to be working on my heart and preparing me for the new normal.  
       The part of this story that I love most though, is how The Lord used a child who had Autism to reveal this to Brian and therefore helped to start us on this journey.  I praise The Lord for this child.  Brian had taught this precious boy and as he taught him he felt like he was looking into the mirror that was reflecting who he was as a child. 
       I wish I could say that I had a good response.  The fact is I didn't.  I entered a state of denial as he went to have himself tested.  As we waited for the results we were told that this was actually a possibility.  I thought it was ridiculous.  Boy was I in for a dose of reality and that is where the story gets interesting.....
     

The Day Autism said Hello

It was a Fall evening in November 2012 and I was home with my 6 month old son David waiting for my husband Brian to come home from work. The phone rang and it was my husband telling me that he was going to go the the emergency walk in clinic but would not tell me why. My heart raced and my mind began to immediately go to the worst scenario. It seemed like forever before he came home. I called a friend to distract me from trying to not freak out about what might be wrong with my husband.....what he might not be telling me. Finally about 90 minutes later he came home with news I found hard to believe. He walked in the door....I waited for him to tell me. Finally, the words came out.... "I think I have Autism". I dont think I said a word. The word Autism scared me to the core. But deep down in my gutt I knew he was right. You see that afternoon I had prayed for my husband. I had asked the Lord for wisdom and answers to questions that I was already asking myself. In that moment I knew I had my answer. It was not the answer that I wanted. It was not the answer that I was prepared for. But it was what started us on this journey.

More to come.....