I would like to share some thoughts about today that I struggled with as I sat and watched my son. Please know that there are some things that I know may be normal for kids but in light of other things they all run together to bring me to these feelings. As I watched my son come in and walk with his teacher he looked so cute. I was so proud. When he saw me he smiled and then just cried because he couldn’t come to me. I saw his teachers try to hold him up and pick him up from the floor a few times in the parade route to try to get him to walk with all the other kids. All he did was cry when I told him he needed to just keep going. My heart just sank. I know that this can be normal for kids his age. It just stunk that all the other kids were so happy and having fun and he was so sad. I spoke to one of his teachers afterward and she said that he was already upset because he didn’t like it when they put his costume on. He didn’t like how it felt. They almost didn’t put it on him. HOWEVER, a friend whose daughter is in his class and has special needs as well said that David was crying because he didn’t like how tight his costume was around his neck. When he started crying his sweet little girl put her hand upon his back and patted his arm as if to say, "its ok David", and then he smiled and was fine. She also apparently talks about her friend "Davy" from circle time. :) Her mom and I are so happy that our children have made friends. She does not speak much either but they bond in their own way and make it work. They communicate in their own way. She is precious and just a beautiful girl! I am thankful for this sweet friend. I am also so thankful that the Lord had her Mama tell me about what happened today.
As the children were continuing on the parade route and David walked near me again one of his teachers asked me if he should just sit with me. :( Now, some may be reading this and not understand but to special needs parents these moments can hit the heart. I understand that they had good intentions but for some reason it just really upset me. It hit me really hard. I think I was already seeing differences in David between the other kids....even if some were normal.....and it just hurt. He was just crying but not screaming and not having a complete meltdown and even though my Mama heart wanted to just grab him and hold him I didn’t. He needed to learn to be independent of Mama and participate with his class like all of his classmates. I immediately said no and told him sweetly to just keep walking. He needed to learn to do whatever the other kids do and participate with his whole class. It is hard to explain why it hurts but to a special needs parent those small things can make you feel like your child is not being treated like the other children. It makes you feel like he is too much to handle. Now, I know that his teachers do not feel that way. I know that they love David. I know that they enjoy David in their class and that he is doing well. He has wonderful teachers that I thank the Lord for. It is just those moments that are well intentioned that hit to the heart. I didn’t want people to treat him differently.
As the parade finished it was time for the kids to get up on stage and perform their songs. His teacher tried to calm him down and I knew that as soon as the music started he would be fine. And just as I thought he stopped as soon as he heard the piano and heard all of the kids sing. As I watched all the kids sing their little hearts out I looked at my boy and he was in another world. He was making quirky expressions with his eyes and just spaced. Yes, kids do look around and some don’t sing but this was just different. Apparently though when he is in class he will do the motions and try to sing so that made me happy. :) He looked so cute. I was happy to see him clap at the end when all of us clapped for them. LOL
After the songfest the children were sent to tables that had been decorated with Halloween and fall decorations with plates and snacks at each seat. They were decorated so beautifully by parents who came in to help. All the kids were so excited to go and sit and have a little party. When I looked to see where David's place was set I didn’t see anything on his plate. All of the kids had carrots, crackers and cheese on their plates and David had nothing. Again my heart was just sad but also I have to admit a little miffed. I had expressed to the teachers that I wanted him to always be offered the same food as the other kids even if he didn’t do anything with it. He needed to be at least presented it. And also, my Mama heart does not want him to not be able to participate with the other kids. He may not ever touch the food but he needs to have that choice especially because of his eating issues. When I saw that empty plate I was just "Ugh". They did have his snack and drink which I was grateful for but I just wanted his spot to look like everyone else.
To me this will always be a challenge and that is the harsh reality. He will always be different. He will always have challenges. I have known that. I know that through the years these things will continue to happen. In some ways things will be better and in other ways there will be even greater challenges. Quite frankly it just sucks! I hate that he will have these challenges. I hate that he is at a point where the differences are painfully obvious. No. He is not extremely different than the other kids but as I look at his challenges the severity is not the issue. Just the fact that these challenges are there is just tough. I want him to be able to eat like the other kids. That kills me sometimes. Although he has come far! My heart just aches for him to be able to participate and eat with the kids the same things they are eating. I want to watch and listen to him have conversations with his friends and sing his little heart off.
This is a rough road. This is a hard road. But one thing that I take in this journey is how much my son points me to the One who knows my heart....Jesus. David is my gift that keeps me close to my Savior. He draws me to the Lord in the midst of the challenges. When I look at David I see how much the Lord loves me when I think about how much I love David. When I think about how I would give anything for my son without thought. As I think about that I am in awe knowing that the love that the Lord has for me is so deep that I cannot understand it. I praise the Lord for the lessons that He is teaching me as I parent David. Oh how much the Lord is using my little boy at his sweet young age. Do I like this journey? No. Do I trust the Lord in it? Yes. Do I have to surrender and set my thoughts captive on Jesus and the truth of His Word daily? Yes. Do I struggle in doing that? Yes. BUT oh how much I am learning about the faithfulness of the Lord in the midst of this journey. He loves me. He loves David. He has a purpose for this journey and He has a huge purpose and plan for my son.
