It's NOT All Good BUT Jesus IS

      The last two weeks have been a blur. So many major things going on and lots of thinking about this journey. Lately I have been struggling. This is just honesty people. A few weeks ago we met with David's teachers just to get an update on how he has been doing this year. For the most part he has been doing wonderfully! We all agree though that the best thing for David right now is to repeat the 3 year old class again. I had already been thinking this was a good idea so that was no big deal. David is nowhere near ready for the 4 year old class. He is currently probably at 2 years old developmentally in most areas. Generally speaking that is okay. However, lately I have been so tired.
           I have been noticing how different David is. The older he gets the more his differences become clear. I am so proud of my son. He is truly the biggest blessing Brian and I have been able to receive. Sometimes though this journey is so tiring. I would not take back any part of David. Autism is part of who he is. I would not want to change who he is in any way. However, I would give so much for him to not have to struggle with all these delays. One of the things that I have not thought about lately and have been successful in ignoring is speech. I have begun to realize that I am still in the grieving process of wanting to be able to carry on a conversation with my son and not be able to. My heart has been hurting so much in regards to that and I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that and it seems like the waves are hitting me again. I refuse to let myself succumb to the waves but instead choose to acknowledge to myself and Jesus how much my heart is hurting.
        I cannot carry on a conversation with my son. Most moms can ask their kids about how their day was and it leads up to a long conversation with laughter and hugs and getting to know their child and all that they think and feel about things. They get to hear their children sing, say silly things, hear them say I love you and know when their child is in pain. David cannot tell me those things and I cannot ask him if his tummy hurts or if he has a headache. He cannot tell me what he wants most of the time for the important things. I just want to have a conversation with my son. I just want to know what is inside his mind, when he is hurting, what makes him happy. I want to hear him say no. I even want the blessing of hearing my child complain. I know many of you are saying I am soooooo lucky that I don’t have to hear no or hear complaints. But, I have to say I would give ANYTHING to hear David complain. I would give ANYTHING to hear him say no. I would give ANYTHING to hear him tell me he is sad or in pain. It hurts my heart that I don’t know these things and I cannot soothe whatever is bothering him because I can’t tell. I am his Mother. It is my job as his Mom to be able to provide that comfort and encouragement. It is difficult to let go of that and fight the feelings of false guilt. It is all part of this journey. My heart just aches!!!
          The scariest part of his speech delay is David cannot tell me or any other person his name. He knows and responds to it but if someone were to ask him his name he cannot tell them. I don’t think he comprehends how old he is. He cannot tell you his age. He doesn’t know that. If he does know he cannot tell you that. This truly is scary in case he ever were to wander off and get lost. He would not be able to communicate that. It is something that I never thought about until now and it gives me the chills. These things are a safety concern. I have been working on this over and over again with him lately. I have been asking him almost on a daily basis what his name is and telling him what his name is over and over again. The only thing I can do is continue to pray that the Lord would give him the ability to know and say his name and age. I just have to give it all to Jesus ad trust Him to do that and to keep David safe.
            Autism is truly stretching me in soooo many ways. It stretches my faith and forces me to keep seeking Jesus. It keeps my focus on the Lord. It teaches me to be real with the Lord and not be afraid to tell Him and bare all my feelings and lay them at His feet. The other day I said to a friend after sharing all that is going on I said "but it's all good". My friend immediately said "No. It's not. Don’t dismiss your feelings." It is easy for me to do that. "It’s all good" seems to be something that I say a lot. I found myself realizing that it was getting in the way of me being real with my feelings and being real with Jesus. Crying out to Him and asking Him to comfort me, give me strength, calm my fears, give me peace and helping me to see His purpose in all of this. I am choosing to say to the Lord that my heart hurts....it's not all good...I feel weary. I know in my heart that His main purpose for this journey is to use David and Autism to bring glory to Him in the journey...to glorify Him in being real, honest, trusting and giving praise to Him in each struggle. Choosing joy in the struggle. Choosing joy in knowing that Jesus is sovereign, He is good. He is faithful. He is all that I need. Knowing all these things makes it all good even when I don’t feel it.

                                               

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's Back To Therapy We Go!

                                                    David has been back in therapy since September and we are soooo very happy! We took a long break from it for financial reasons and yet as I look back it was so needed. I didn't realize until we had to take a break how exhausted I was. I was sooo drained and exhausted from trying to get David to eat more foods. We were both getting so tired. I think parents aren't the only ones that get tired. The kids get tired too. David may have not been able to verbally communicate that to me but I see that now. We were both so exhausted from trying to work so hard. I began to really hate meals. I began to dread it again and my patience was definitely on its way out. I had absolutely no motivation and I was drained. I didn't have anything left in me. I could tell David was tired too because he started to get more frustrated than normal. He cried more and his fits began to worsen. It felt at times we were at the beginning when it came to us both hating meal time. I felt guilty at the time thinking I was depriving my son from what was needed to improve. At the time I didn’t realize that a break for both of us would help a great deal when we were ready to start again. We had about a 3 month break and I am so glad.
                                                                     The Lord in his timing provided an anonymous gift from someone who called his therapist and paid for his bill. I cried that day. I was sooo very thankful and just could not believe that we were able to start back up. I knew that we were ready to start back up and the Lord knew that it would be such an encouragement to us. I was in awe of His faithfulness and his love towards David and us. I knew from that moment that this would be a moment that would continue to remind me that the Lord will ALWAYS provide all that is needed in HIS timing. He is the One who is the Provider and I am so grateful!
                                                                When we first brought David to Scott it took him quite a while to get him to accept his new therapist. He cried most of the sessions. It took a while before Scott was able to really be able to figure out how to best help him and where to pick up from where his other therapists left off. David would just cry and get mad and then try to get my attention. Then Brian would also bring him and still nothing was really progressing. It wasn’t because his therapist wasn’t doing a good job...David just wasn’t accepting it really well. After we took the break and brought David back it was like night and day!!!!
                                                                One encouraging thing was David was FINALLY eating a first completely solid not processed food....Green Beans. I no longer had to mash them or process them. He ate them up almost right after we started back. After TWO LONG years the boy was finally eating a food I didn’t have to process. I was overjoyed! Praise the Lord this has not changed at all! It has been consistent! When we started back to therapy in September I set a goal for David and quite frankly, for myself. My goal is for David to eat 4 different foods that do not need processed or mushed. I asked his therapist if this was an attainable goal and he seemed to think it was. Some of you may be reading this and thinking that sounds a bit strange. However, it took TWO years to get him to eat a solid whole food so in my mind that seemed like a lofty goal.
                                                             Well, my son amazes me sometimes. About a month ago we introduced David to scalloped potatoes just to see what he would do. I thought it was not going to be successful. We had been trying other foods and nothing was working. We were trying to at least see what he would be willing to touch not necessarily put in his mouth right away. Normally, it takes a few weeks to get him used to playing with a new food. Well, we gave him the scalloped potatoes and he played with them right away....mashing them and tossing them back and forth between Scott and me. It was soooo great!!!! I was so thankful! It gave me such hope! Well about two or three weeks later he actually put them in his mouth. He even said "I can eat it". It was one of the best days I had had in a very long time! Then more changes came.

To be continued......... :)