I havent posted in a while mostly because I have been soooo busy with life. Life has been crazy but I have still been thinking about so many things in regards to David. I thought I was doing better than I am in dealing with his diagnosis. School has been going well and it has been hard to see the reality outside of his eating issues. I dont see him at school with my own eyes. I havent been able to see him with other children to know how he interacts with them on a daily basis. His teachers havent really been reporting anything in particular so I think I have just kind of gone into this mode of not seeing reality. In a sense that has been kind of nice. When he had therapy at home three days a week I saw so many other things....so many differences and things that David needed to work on. At times it was very overwhelming. Since he has been in pre school I havent had that daily reminder. However, lately the reality has started to appear and the process of grieving what I thought reality would be for my child has reared its ugly head again.
Today my husband came home from picking David up from pre school very discouraged. When he entered David's classroom all of the children were in a circle sitting quietly listening to a story except for David. He was running around over and over again in circles playing with a key oblivious to what was going on around him. When he called his name to come to him he just kept running in circles as if nothing was happening but what was in his world. We know he isnt deaf for those who are reading this and are tempted to ask whether he has had his hearing checked. At home he will respond to us whether he is facing us or not. My heart just sank. I have known and do know that there will be many times that this will happen. I have dreaded the first time that it would be clear to us he does not have the social skills for a child his age. He doesnt interact with the kids age appropriately. This makes me very sad.
I want him to make friends. I want him to be able to participate in reading time. I want him to be able to communicate. I dont want him to be different. There. I said it. I dont want him to be different. I was that kid that was different to my peers and it was hard. I dont want David to not be able to make friends because they dont understand him. I dont want him to go through the same horrible school experiences that I did. Some may ask or say, "Jennifer, he is only 2 1/2. Dont worry about this now! Why are you getting all upset about something that may not happen?" To that I say I always will. It is what it is. I am his Mom. It is a very real possibility and a reality that I must face. It is very hard to face and in these moments of observation. So many children with Autism regardless of the spectrum are not understood by their peers or even adults for that matter and it can be very lonely and frustrating. I pray the opposite for my son.
I praise the Lord for my husband who is on the Aspbergers part of the spectrum who, even in his discouragement, is so very encouraging to me. He and David will always have a special bond. He can relate to David in ways that I will never be able to understand. Sometimes that is hard but I wouldnt trade that blessing for anything. He can get David to do things that I am not able to get him to do because he understands him. He is patient. He is loving. He has tough love. He is in love with his little boy and therefore that makes me love him even more. I see them together and it is a beautiful picture. So, when I do have these moments when my heart sinks I am comforted in knowing that I am not alone and I have the best partner to walk this journey with. Thank you for reading and letting me share honestly with you. If anyone is struggling with the same journey please know I pray for you every day. Just keep looking to Jesus. He knows all that we need and He has our children in the palm of His hand......after all they really belong to Him.
