"What if Your blessings come through rain drops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You (Jesus) are near? What if my greatest disappointment or the aching of this life is a revealing of a greater thirst this world cant satisfy? What if trials of this life...the rain, the storms, the hardest nights are Your mercies in disguise?" These are lyrics from a song called Blessings written by singer/songwriter Laura Story. To me they are more than lyrics right now. They are the deep questions that I have in my heart when it comes to being a mom to a child with Autism....or even just having a child with special needs. Sometimes, to be honest, it is hard to see those blessings. In the midst of the fog and the frustrations it is hard to see clearly that each struggle the Lord is working out for His glory....to perfect me to be more like Him.
To be honest lately I have had so much going on in my heart and much of that I have been afraid to share in this post for fear of being vulnerable. However, as I have prayed in the last few weeks and have seen the things that the Lord has revealed to me I am taking the chance. Lately life has been sooo crazy! The last 6 months have been so busy. I have found myself way too busy to even reflect on what is going on inside my heart. It is like I have put that part of me on hold and held it all in to just get through the chaos. And now that the chaos and stress is over it is all pouring out like a river. And it hurts.
Lately as I have prayed and been able to breathe I have come to realize that I have battled some very real anger. I have found myself tempted to be angry when I see a friend's child be able to eat just like any other kid or hear them call them "Mom". When I have to explain to someone why David wont eat anything other than processed food. Most of the time people are very understanding but there are times when I have to show grace. My heart aches when I realize that this is going to be a permanent journey. I feel weak and sad and overwhelmed with all of the challenges that are going on and that we will continue to face. When I meet with David's teachers and we realize that he has to stay back in the same class next year because he is so far behind I know that it is the best thing for him yet I am so tempted to have such great fear about the future and what it will look like. But most of all right now my heart aches to hear my son say "Mommy". I think lately that has been the one thing that I have stuffed so deep down protecting myself from the hurt that it is now bursting and I don't know what to do with it. There is a very real jealousy that I battle when I see a little boy run up to his mom and say "Mommy". So I just surrender. I just say, "Jesus, please take this. Please bring comfort and peace. Please take my heart and remind me that You are in the midst of it. You do work it all to Your glory. You are blessing me in this trial. You are shaping me into Your image. You are teaching me to trust You. You are teaching me grace. You are teaching me more about Your faithfulness. You are teaching me to be real. You are teaching me to be transparent. You are teaching me to show love. You are teaching me that it is okay to grieve for what I thought would be reality. You are teaching me to choose joy even when the feelings are not there. You are teaching me to choose to accept reality. You are teaching me truth. You are teaching me to take my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ...to not allow the enemy to speak words of condemnation or blame. You are showing me my very real weaknesses and areas that I need to surrender to You. You are chastening me with Your love and Your Word. You are showing me how much You love me as I am a Mom to David. You are teaching me that You are sufficient and all that I need. You are so patient."
So, as I close this out I look back and see these things that I pour out to the Lord...these truths that I proclaim and that is where I see the blessings in this journey. Don't get me wrong...this is a daily battle...a daily war against the flesh. Grief is a very difficult journey...whether it is a death of a loved one or simply a death of what you thought would be a reality. However, it can bring blessings even in the darkest of days. So, that is what the Lord is carrying me through. For me it really is a revealing of a greater thirst that this world can't satisfy. As I continue to walk this journey may the Lord continue to remind me to take a hold of Him and to take my thoughts captive and see His blessings in the midst of the journey.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that all things work for the good of those who are in Christ Jesus..who have been called according to His purpose."
May that promise sink deep into my heart as I continue to surrender it all to Him.
