The Final Answer

                    It was a Wednesday evening. In the mail came a large envelope from the doctor’s office. I knew what it was. I wanted to rip open the envelope while Brian was at work but I waited until he came home. After all, it wasn’t me wanting an answer, it was Brian. I remember opening the diagnosis summary up and reading her final diagnosis of Aspergers and OCD. There it was in black and white. No turning back and no denying it anymore. Reality hit. I read through the paperwork looking for something that I didn’t agree with....something that I could say was ridiculous but I couldn’t. There was nothing that I disagreed with and I had a peace about everything that I had read. Although I had a peace it just seemed huge to me. I didn’t really know how to respond to it. I had so many questions running through my head. What does this mean? How will this affect our relationship? What was my role in all of this? How is Brian needing me to respond to all this? How is this going to affect David? I remember talking to someone at church that night and saying how I didn’t know how to respond to this. They responded by telling me that the correct response is PRAY! At the time I just had this extremely overwhelmed feeling! I allowed myself to stay in that feeling of being overwhelmed because I thought I deserved it. The thing that makes me most sad about this whole story is how I responded......so selfishly angry.  Instead of praying I just became sad and that sadness led to being angry. Many may be asking why I was so upset. Why is this a big deal? Well, the reasons will remain between Brian and me but regardless I just became sad and angry. Remember what I shared in the first post? I had prayed for an answer and was given the answer....I didnt like the answer. I started a month long "spiritual temper tantrum" with the Lord. It was like I was stomping my feet like my toddler does when he doesn’t get his own way. It makes me sad and embarrassed to think about. But, the Lord was so patient with me as I fought Him back and forth. As I made decisions based on fear and anger He ever so gently kept pressing on my heart to surrender this. I am grateful that the Lord loves to show mercy to His children. He certainly showed mercy to me. He lovingly kept listening to my cries and kept drawing me back slowly until one night at church I just surrendered. This was a night that I will never forget.....